*** Comedians like Jay Leno keep us laughing with a ready quip!
From Denny: Comedians like Jay Leno continue to entertain for a lifetime. With all the high stress in America these days we are seeking more and more laughter as good medicine. After all, with the climbing costs of maintenance health care and the crazy costs of catastrophic health care, then the caustic politics, well, you really have to spend as much time as possible laughing your head off just to give balance to your life!
Jay Leno comes blasting into our lives and to our grinning rescue. Take a merry stroll through a bonanza of his quotes and short jokes, enjoy! He is certainly never short of an opinion or two, especially when it comes to lampooning politicians, Democrat or Republican.
Quotes
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.
There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'
President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That`s because they are usually dead by age 40.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, `Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea!’
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on a shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It`s for people who don`t like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those...it`s called a window.
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.
This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president. (George Bush was in office, not Bill Clinton.)
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map. However 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code” - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.
You're not famous - until my mother has heard of you.
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people they're just acquaintances.
And since I currently live in Louisiana and everyone here was shocked at the idiot Justice of the Peace who stupidly refused to marry an interracial couple, we really enjoyed this quip: Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.’
Hey, some good news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team for free.
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig`s brain to a man`s brain -- and the man`s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
Here's something to think about How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery.'
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and keep laughing through your work week!
