09 August 2012

2012 London Olympics: Olympic Boner, Funny Late Nite Jokes, Colbert, Stewart Videos

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Denny:  The London 2012 Olympics took the world TV watching community by storm in record numbers.

That, and with the global economic meltdown we are all too poor to go out so we holiday indoors with our monster TVs for free, right?  The Olympics have proven to be some exciting stuff, something for everyone.

Of course, our national comics have enjoyed a bit of commentary.  Enjoy the laughs as the Olympics winds down into its last week.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart video clips are sure to make you laugh right off your chair!  The Stewart clip about the rower with the "two mice hugging a banana" is funnier than the photo of the famous Olympic Boner.  All that for just a bronze medal? :)

Funny Nobody is Perfect Laptop Skins

Smile while you promote yourself with satire

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From Stephen Colbert:

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor. – Stephen Colbert on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

From Conan O'Brien:

Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam.

The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

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Ghost hunter or super spy, get a laugh.

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This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'

It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins.

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.

Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken.

A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer.

An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

Thursday August 2, 2012

Rafalca's First Day of Dressage

Ann Romney's Olympic horse captures a 70.243 score in dressage, which might be great if anyone knew what that meant.

From Craig Ferguson:

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

From Jay Leno:

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider." –Jay Leno, on the opening ceremony for the London Olympics

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.

In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.
The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!
Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
Every American athlete who wears the Chinese made uniforms will get a free bootleg copy of the new Batman movie.

Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That's what we're wearing. Does it get any more American than that? 

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.

We have American athletes in uniforms made in China, wearing French berets. I don't know if we're supposed to compete, ask for a loan or surrender.

Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?

Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I'm not quite sure.

Dick's Sporting Wood

Amid conflicting reports of hardness, Al Madrigal analyzes rower Henrik Rummel's Olympic boner, which until proven otherwise is flaccid in the eyes of the law.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president.

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.
During last night's USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That's cute. It explains why everyone was like, 'quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!'

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Funny Cat Philosopher Curty on how best to acquire Inner Peace

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From David Letterman:

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.
How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch.

Mitt Romney is in London. They said get your campaign plane, get your family, you don't know anything about foreign policy, strap your dog to the roof of the plane. He arrived in England, got off the plane, and proudly proclaimed 'Ich bin ein Londoner.' … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else.

Thursday July 26, 2012

Sport Report - Stephen Colbefrajilympic Expealacoverage!

The Olympics are injected with performance-enhancing audio, except for the quadrennial Bone-A-Thon games

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