28 December 2009

Roundup of Late Night Funnies 28 Dec 2009



From Denny: I've been slacking off a bit during the holidays as there seems to only be so much time for writing - that loner profession - that a person can do with company in the house and holiday cooking to do. With the cats meowing, the husband wanting 500 cookies baked yesterday for his chocolate hungry accounts who requested the tasty morsels and everything else like constant interruptions of "I'm bored! Spend time with me!" - somehow it was not the most conducive atmosphere for recording the poetry rattling around in my head. Good thing I took notes during this busy time! :) I'll be putting up the past two Libations Fridays poems hopefully this week as I finally get the quiet time to sit down and record them. Thanks for checking in during this time as I'm sure you were wondering, "Hey! I thought this was supposed to be a poetry blog...?" :)

Oh, and a note to fellow bloggers: Seems feedburner is not in sync or properly receiving subscriber totals from FriendFeed. It usually takes them a week or so to get this straightened out. The last time was in September. Try not to hyperventilate if you lost a lot of numbers; those folks still exist and are taking your feed, just not getting reported.

On to the late night funnies' roundup jokes...

Lucky Tiger Woods seems to be finally fading a bit, no longer the front page comedy fodder. While health care did pass it still remains to be seen what we will actually get out of it that is actually a real reform when the House and Senate merge their versions into law. As with any large endeavor internationally Copenhagen was a major disappointment and in need of a complete "do-over." By the time the world decides to get serious it will end up "every man to save himself." As usual, I like to take all the drama in stride and just laugh at it. After all, if you don't poke at the craziness in Life where is the fun? :)



From Conan O'Brien:

Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.

According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957?

Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he's completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, 'I'm halfway done.'

Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life.

AT&T announced that they’re thinking about dropping Tiger Woods as their spokesperson. Which seems unfair because AT&T has made millions off of Tiger just from his text messages.

One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.

A new study says that 86 percent of kids who regularly watch TV can recognize Tiger Woods. Which makes sense, because he may be their dad.



From David Letterman:

Dick Cheney has been named 'Conservative of the Year' by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time 'Dick Cheney' and 'human' have been used in the same sentence. Dick Cheney was also named 'gas-bag of the year' by Gas-Bag magazine.

David Letterman's Top Ten Text Messages Sent By Tiger Woods

10. I'm sorry, which mistress is this again?
9. I was dreaming about you when I was passed out in the street
8. RU a cop?
7. You're breaking up with me for Lee Trevino?!
6. Sorry about last night — I had the yips
5. Did I leave a green jacket at your place?
4. My wife has the car. I'll have to pick you up in the golf cart
3. Why aren't the LPGA girls interested?
2. Hey Tiger — it's Tiger — wanna have sex tonight?
1. Thanks for changing your grip





From Jay Leno:

Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes.

The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there.

It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.

In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change.

Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!

Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?

Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don't think Michelle's going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer.

It's not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses.

The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there's a lesson here: In America it's better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger.





From Jimmy Fallon:

There was some good news for Tiger today. He was just voted 'Athlete of the Decade' by The Associated Press. He’s also been named 'Athlete of the Decade' by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.

The Senate's health care bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Because, really, what's more American than waiting until Christmas Eve to finally wrap something up?

The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees.

I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar.

Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we're sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That's like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.

*** THANKS for visiting and have a great New Year!
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