Cheeky Quote Day! 22 April 2009

From Denny: Wednesday rolled around as quickly as the brisk Spring winds! I found some really good ones for today. These Cheeky Quotes are from Ask.com of all places:

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them." – President George Bush

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin

"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable." - Paul Dean

"I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!" - Tom Lehrer

"Please provide the date of your death." - from an IRS letter

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The folks over at Ask.com also have a joke section!

Day Off, a Boss's Perspective

From Denny: There was a math typo on the site - off by 90 days! Lucky you I own a calculator and actually proof read the thing...! :)

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Since this is the middle of the work week here's a joke about an employee asking for a day off from his employer. What follows is the employer's reply.

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So, You Want the Day Off?

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks a year in which you already get 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes a day on a coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With one hour for lunch period each day you use up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available to work.

You normally spend 2 days a year for sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 2 weeks off for vacation per year. This only leaves 1 day available for work.

And I'll be darned if you're going to take that day off!!

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And since we are just so enthralled with greedy CEO's these days here's one to chuckle over in your sleep.

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Prepare Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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From our friends over at Godchecker.com: This is a lively downright romping recounting of the exploits of one of the cheekiest of Greek gods, Hermes, shortly after his birth. You have to admit the guy has pluck!

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HERMES: Messenger of the Gods. He's also the God of Merchants and Commerce, Athletics and Travel, Public Speaking, Shepherds and Thieves. Quite a mixed bag.
The son of ZEUS and MAIA, he was barely a day old before he was stealing sheep, bartering goods and contemplating the small print of manufacturers' warranties.

Born in a cave and finding his mum asleep, HERMES toddled off to see what was what. What he found was a herd of cattle, and innocently decided to take them home to play with. He didn't know they belonged to APOLLO but, instinctively realising that adults can be a bit funny, covered their tracks anyway.

APOLLO went ballistic when he found 50 cattle missing and no clues. He offered a reward for information. Eventually someone mentioned they had heard music from a cave in the district. APOLLO investigated and found two cow hides stretched to dry at the entrance. Inside was a sleeping woman with a baby.

MAIA, when roused, was incredulous. "My little HERMES? He's only two days old!" But the little cherub was quite non-plussed. "Yes, I took them," he admitted. "There's only two missing. I killed 'em as a sacrifice to the Twelve Gods of Olympus."

"Twelve Gods?" queried APOLLO. "Who is the Twelth?"

"Er, your servant, I think it is going be me. Did you know ZEUS is my dad..?"

"Aww, isn't he a cheeky little chap?" said ZEUS as HERMES faced judgment. "A chip off the old block indeed. Well APOLLO, there's no harm done if he returns your cattle and promises not to do it again. Take him back and sort it out."

APOLLO sullenly agreed and whisked HERMES back to the cave, where the baby Godlet attempted to placate him. "The herd is round the corner, here are the two cow skins... Oh, and I also used some cow gut to make this."

HERMES produced a small lyre made from a tortoise shell, and played a few amazing chords using a plectrum (another HERMES copyright). As a musician, APOLLO was very impressed indeed. He just had to have these two musical items. So he offered the cattle in exchange.

HERMES agreed and, as they started talking music, cut some reeds into pan pipes so they could have what may have been the world's first jam session. APOLLO was enthralled and had to have the pipes as well. He offered his golden cattle-herding staff in exchange.

"I dunno," said HERMES, scratching his head, "you seem to get the best of all these bargains. An old staff for a precision instrument like this? Still, you can really blow, man. How can I deny such a groovy musician as you?"

So they became music buddies, and APOLLO took HERMES back to Olympus where all was happily resolved and HERMES successfully pursued his claim for Godly status.

His gift of the gab made him the perfect choice for messenger duties. ZEUS made him a Herald and kitted him out with a winged hat and sandals. Powered by these he can zoom all over the place delivering news that's worse than it sounds. The staff he used may be the one he traded with APOLLO. HERMES then made a vow to ZEUS: "I will never tell lies — although I cannot promise always to tell the whole truth."

Despite wheeling and dealing by the seat of his pants, HERMES always manages to leave his customers perfectly satisfied. Mostly due to his incredibly cunning sales talk. He's such a persuasive salesman he could sell pyramids to the Egyptians. (Wait! He already has!)

Those sandals make him fleet of foot and an expert runner, which is why he's also the God of Racing and Athletics. Perfect for chasing after new clients. Or running away from old ones.

His dodgy dealing tactics were also passed down to his son AUTOLYCUS. Under the Romans he changed his name to MERCURY and floated himself on the stock market.

Data compiled by Chas Saunders & Peter A
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(The Gods told us to do it.)

Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

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