17 February 2011

Egypt Revolution: Late Night Jokes Roundup

SHARM EL SHEIKH/EGYPT, 18MAY08 - Muhammad Hosn...Egypt's now former dictator Hosni Mubarak Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: Guess who's literally no longer in the picture in Egypt these days? Take a look to the right for that's a ghost you are viewing. The late night comics were not at a shortage of words - or opinions - about the unfolding news coverage streaming in live all day and night long in America for 18 days. We all watched with fascination the witnessing of a new nation being birthed. Egypt is thousands of years old, had monarchies and dictators yet never before a chance at democracy until now.

It will be interesting to watch the struggles ahead as various factions wrestle for power. The same thing happened after our own American Revolution. Americans seem to think it was so easy when it was not. Most of our founding fathers were hounded so much for years that they ended up penniless after the British crown was done with them for daring to rise against it.

What's more weird is that even George Washington and Benjamin Franklin were off to Europe, hoping to enlist an heirless aristocrat of the Stewart (or is it Stuart?) family line to be America's King. Yeah, scary, isn't it? Fortunately, said possible king had the good sense to turn down their offer. He thought they should press ahead and forge a new way of government that was truly of the people - including their new leader. Even the Founding Fathers really didn't know how to break their mindset and conditioning to the monarchy and install a President. Egypt may wrestle with the same issues our ancestors did. We are still wrestling. Democracy is messy but worth the fight.

Bill Day

Funny videos Featured:

Funny Video: Colbert Mocks Egypt Revolution News Coverage

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Mubarak Speech in Egypt

Bruce Beattie

From Jay Leno:

Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'

The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen.

Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey.

Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the 'American Idol' judges.

The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt.

President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing.

Secretary of state Hillary Clinton said regarding the crises in Egypt that the Obama administration is not advocating or working toward any specific outcome. Same policy they had during the economic crises. Just kind of go along and see what happens.

Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber.

The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers (Super Bowl) and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak.

Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?

I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those 'Mummy' movies.

The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in.

Bruce Beattie

From Jon Stewart:

Alright, Hosni. Now you've gone too far. Hands off Anderson Cooper. There is not to be a silvery wisp out of place on that man's glorious head.

Rob Rogers

From Conan O'Brien:

The demonstrations are getting bigger in Cairo. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas, and when that didn’t work, a Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.

Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'

A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would resign, but Egypt would then descend into chaos. Then he said, 'Now, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks.'

Hosni's son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become President, which is just as well. If you've seen one Mubarak you’ve seen Gamal.

While in Egypt, CNN’s Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises 2 questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced … he will not run for another term as president. … The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis. And guess where Regis is going? He’s going to run Egypt.

Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on.

Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh.

Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle East, 'Tuesday.

Rob Rogers

From Craig Ferguson:

It was Egypt's first week without Mubarak. He finally stepped down because of that sexy picture of him on the Internet.

The Egyptian President is still refusing to leave. They're calling him 'The Leno of the Nile.'

There are all these protests going on in Egypt. I don't know what they're about, but it might have something to do with elections. Or that the streets in Cairo are so overcrowded there's not enough room to 'walk like an Egyptian.'

Gary Varvel

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Apparently something is going on over in Egypt. Anderson Cooper and his crew got attacked by pro-government forces. He got hit in the head about 10 times, and I think he got kicked in the Mini Cooper too.

Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan.

On Mubarak in Egypt: Even (sports legend) Brett Favre was like, 'Come on man, retire already, you're embarrassing yourself.'

In Egypt, the unrest continues. Is 'unrest' a good word? Unrest is one of the un-goodest words ever. A better way to describe what's going on over there is that people are going nuts in Egypt.

I've been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don't walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us.

They're also tired of having a president named Hosni.

I don't know much about politics over there (in Egypt), but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there's one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it's that.

Steve Kelley

From Bill Maher:

This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn't so much as deposed as de-friended.

For me the great mystery of this whole revolution was that for three weeks, these people were in this square with no bathrooms. How did they go? This will always be known in Egyptian history as the riddle of the sphincter.

"All of the Arab potentates and their fat cat entourages are on the run. Tunisia's president is leaving, Mubarak is not going to run for re-election, the guy in Yemen is going to leave. This is great news - not necessarily for the Middle East, but for real estate agents in Beverly Hills.

"President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.

Steve Kelley

From Jimmy Fallon:

Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.

Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen.

Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.

Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, "Yeah, like of Egypt."

Steve Breen

From Seth Meyers:

Unfortunately, there's only one job available for an 82-year-old man [photo of Hosni & Kelly Ripa]

From David Letterman:

Hosni Mubarak stepped down. You have to ask yourself if he's really leaving or if he's just pulling a Leno.

Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a 'good friend.' Why am I not surprised by this?

Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires.

President Mubarak says he won’t step down until September, but that he won’t seek another rigged election. He plans to retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Is this guy really leaving in September, or is he just pulling a Leno?

Anderson Cooper from CNN was there (in Egypt), and he got punched 10 different times. And I thought, well, wait a minute, that happens to me walking to work every day (here in New York).

And a jab at the Bush political dynasty: The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak.

In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It's the most-angry mob I've seen since the 'Fire Dave' rally last year.

Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming.

Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house.

Chip Bok

And related posts you may enjoy:

U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package 

The Right-Wing Nut's Guide to Egypt (Gawker)

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Only Six More Days of Mubarak (Satirical Political Report)

King Tut Returns From World Tour To Lead Egypt Out of Crisis (Not The LA Times)

Obama Says He Will Resend Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps (Borowitz)

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