12 April 2011

Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup: Government Shutdown

The "Eagle's Nest", with its many re...Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: For the moment the government shutdown was averted - until the next time. The coming battle for political supremacy will be fighting over raising the debt ceiling. Without it, the country is basically screwed for mortgage loans, small business loans: life.

With it, we are still facing mounting debt, courtesy of the George Bush Tax Cuts - which Obama gave yet again without a quality negotiation.  Then there are the two Bush wars in Iraq and Afghanistan which Obama has seen fit to continue for the benefit of the same war profiteers.

Aren't we lucky that in today's news Pakistan announced it  is finally getting tired of America and demanding we leave? The Long Goodbye always starts with rumors on facebook, rumors at The New York Times, followed by the CIA getting kicked out on their intelligence-gathering ears.

Eventually, the troops leave. Did I mention we have tens of thousands of soldiers chasing less than 140 Taliban up in the Pakistani remote areas? Yes, those same areas destroyed by flooding.

At some point the voters have to wake up in this country and start running all the political strategists out of town. Why? They have us chasing our tails and spending billions of dollars doing it, looking totally stupid. The sad thing is too many soldiers are dying or getting severely wounded for stupid. And war profiteering.

Meanwhile, the government shutdown, oops, budget talks, soap opera gives the public an annual installment of high drama lying and bizarre gamesmanship, primarily from the Republicans. The folks with common sense and practical solutions rarely get heard as the mainstream media chokes them out in favor for the screamer voice weeds like Glenn Beck.

The only time you get to hear from normal legislators is during the afternoon news, in the middle of the day and on places like CNN, sometimes MSNBC. But watch fast because the video clips won't be there to watch later and that news will not be featured on the evening news.

The best way to get the obscure news - other than reading obscure liberal blogs like this one?  Turn to the late night comics and the political cartoonists.  They have no shortage of opinion or political news awareness.  Take a look and grin your way through the work week.


From Jay Leno:

We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?

Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.

The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government could still be working.

It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before.

If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.

President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like.



Lisa Benson



From Stephen Colbert:

We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.


Make sure you cover the ears of the little kiddies when this video clip plays. :) Here, Colbert lets loose with his unvarnished opinion of Tea Party GOP leader Mike Pence:


Monday April 11, 2011
Countdown to Government Shutdown

Stephen prepares for the shutdown with a champagne flute of lead paint and gets up early to listen to the government closings all around the world. Colbert cleverly sets the stage, complete with listening to a 1930's radio in his bedroom and his bed draped with the American flag. (03:36)


The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Countdown to Government Shutdown
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogVideo Archive



From Bill Maher:

They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.



Moderately Confused



Clay Bennett



From David Letterman:

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Campaign Promises For 2012"

10. Be more of a warlock, less of a troll
9. Keep unemployment below 75 percent
8. Fight three wars and the fourth one is free
7. Replace space shuttle with this (video of Don Rickles firing a rocket)
6. Get fat like the rest of America
5. Send troops to quell feud between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey
4. Fortune cookies actually tell fortunes, no more of this lucky numbers crap
3. Less talk, more rock
2. Pardon Lindsay Lohan
1. Go back to being that cool, smoking bad ass we all fell in love with



Dana Summers



Henry Payne




From Jimmy Fallon:

The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...




From Conan O'Brien:

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air.

If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they're 'non-essential.' Wouldn't it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?

If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected

.


Robert Ariail




Ed Stein



Dan Wasserman



From Jimmy Kimmel:

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.

All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient.

A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.

Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can't agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up.

If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here's my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?



Robert Ariail




Jeff Stahler




Jeff Stahler




Nick Anderson




Ed Stein




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