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03 March 2010

Funny Psychic Groundhog Phil Blessed Us With More Winter - Cheeky Quote Day 3 Mar 2010

*** Funny quotes, history and legend of America's amusing Groundhog Day celebration.


* * * For 2012 post, predictions:  Groundhog Day: How Many Talented Psychic Rodents In America?


* * * Check out:  Groundhog Day Louisiana Style: New Orleans T-Boy, Baton Rouge Boudreaux






From Denny: Here we are now four long weeks into an extended winter, proclaimed by the celebrity groundhog himself to last a full six weeks. Punxsutawney Phil is known around the globe for his famous forecasting abilities even the psychics envy. And he does it all on a non-cash basis, preferring to barter for great room and board, yummy treats, lots of petting and celebrity status adoration. Read that as he is one spoiled pampered little guy. His fan club is known as the Inner Circle and is made up of local dignitaries dedicated to providing his lavish style.

Phil's official forecast as read February 2nd, 2010 at sunrise at Gobbler's Knob:

Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye

On Gobbler's Knob on this glorious Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2010, Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators awoke to the call of President Bill Deeley and greeted his handlers, John Griffiths and Ben Hughes.

After casting a joyful eye towards thousands of his faithful followers, Phil proclaimed, "If you want to know next, you must read my text. As the sky shines bright above me, my shadow I see beside me. So six more weeks of winter it will be."

With that he bid everyone a good night as he retired to sleep away the remaining winter. Too bad we can't get off that easy.

Check out the well dressed fellows of Punxsutawney Phil's Inner Circle who are responsible for arranging Phil's publicity and celebrity events:




*** To contact the Inner Circle send e-mail in care of events@punxsutawney.com

How did this revered Pennsylvania tradition of Groundhog Day begin?

As with most cheeky endeavors, it evolved over humorous time. Groundhog Day has its mysterious roots in the earliest Christian celebration of Candlemas where candles were distributed and blessed. It was declared if there were clear skies on that day then it was an omen there was to be a longer winter.

Well, one thing led to another, for the ancient Roman legions were to spread the custom during their conquest of the northern country to the Germans. The German culture added some sparkle to the celebration by declaring if the sun made an appearance on Candlemas Day, then a hedgehog would cast his shadow. The Germans declared this shadow business as a sound prediction of six more weeks of bad weather, also known as Second Winter.

Yeah, but where does Pennsylvania come in? Come on, we all know America was settled by immigrants, hordes of them. The German hoarde came to Pennsylvania and this fun groundhog custom stuck. The Germans have a wonderful sense of humor about life sometimes.

But wait there's more...





What does a furry marmot like our boy Phil have to do with the celebration anyway?

"The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club" popped into existence back in 1886-1887 (exact date lost in the mists of time) when a fun-loving group of groundhog hunters from Punxsutawney formed the group. As luck would have it there was a cheeky newspaper editor, of The Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper, in the group so you can imagine how he took the story and ran with it. Or should I say he ran away with it - all over the world. He did such a good job of marketing the local groundhog named Phil that he was dubbed as "the one and only weather prognosticating groundhog." That's a pretty big reputation to uphold but the succession of Phils in the dynasty have made their great great great... grand daddy groundhog proud.

The funny thing is this editor issued his "proclamation" coincidentally on Candlemas Day, renaming Candlesmas as Groundhog Day. Boy Phil's fame sure spread, all the way around the world in thousands of newspapers equally smitten with the marmot's Gobbler's Knob predictions.

Today the Groundhog Day festival has grown to over 20,000 people in live attendance at the Gobbler's Knob site. Around the world, the news networks carry Phil's psychic prediction live to millions who are waiting with breathless anticipation. Like we can't plan our week without knowing whether Punxsutawney Phil has given his blessing.


Groundhog Day 2009 video - Watch the procession to Gobblers Knob by the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club and Punxsutawney Phil's Prognostication:






A little late winter Groundhog Day Poetry to get you through the next two weeks before Spring arrives:

Old English song:

If Candlemas be fair and bright,
Come, Winter, have another flight;
If Candlemas brings clouds and rain,
Go Winter, and come not again.


Old Scotch couplet:

If Candlemas Day is bright and clear,
There'll be twa (two) winters in the year.


Another variation of the Scottish rhyme:

If Candlemas day be dry and fair,
The half o' winter to come and mair,
If Candlemas day be wet and foul,
The half of winter's gone at Yule.


*** Be sure to check out the official Groundhog Day site for a poetry competition! It is a proper "dot org" and provides lesson plans and all manner of cheeky fun for teachers and students - and writers...

From the site, here's their fun offer: Create a two to four stanza poem that talks about Phil, groundhogs, the six weeks of winter, prognosticating, shadows, the weather and more. We will post selections on our website. With 15 million visitors annually, it may bring you fame or at least get you or your school on our web page. Send entries to Inner Circle member: Ben Hughes aka "Fog Spinner" at bhughes@pah.org.





But wait, there's more... these guys at this celebration are some kind of cheeky. They have created their own Groundhog Cookies. Here's the delicious recipe to make for your own celebration every winter!

Groundhog Cookies

Does it get any better than this on the humor meter? To order a Groundhog Cookie Cutter go to Groundhog Stuff.




Groundhog 4.5" cookie cutter, the bigger the better as it is more majestic, deserving of such an awesome celebrity, don't you think?


Groundhog Cookies

Ingredients:

2 cups sifted flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 cup soft butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup molasses
1 egg yolk
1 egg, slightly beaten
Currants or raisins

Directions:

Sift together first seven ingredients. Set aside. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Blend in molasses and yolk. Stir in flour mixture and mix well. Form into a ball.

Wrap in plastic wrap. Chill overnight, several nights or freeze.

Place small amounts of dough on a sheet of plastic wrap, and cover with plastic wrap. Roll 1/8 inch thick. Cut out cookies with lightly floured cutter.

Place cookies on greased baking sheet. Brush with slightly beaten egg. Decorate with currants or raisin eyes. Repeat until all dough is used.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in a preheated 350-degree oven. Cool slightly before removing from cookie sheet. Makes 72 or more medium-sized groundhogs.


*** If you prefer to order the cookies: They are $3.99 plus shipping for 12 regular or 18 minis. Ask for plain, iced or sugared.

County Market in Punxsutanwey: email orders to punxsutawneycm@svharbor.com.




Phil's magic magnet


According to the official groundhog day site: Over the course of Phil's appearances, Phil has had numerous noteworthy highlights:

During Prohibition Phil threatened to impose 60 weeks of winter on the community if he wasn't allowed a drink. (Psychics must need a stiff shot every now and then.)

In 1958 Phil announced that it was a "United States Chucknik," rather than a Soviet Sputnik or Muttnik that became the first man-made satellite to orbit Earth.

In 1981 Phil wore a yellow ribbon in honor of the American hostages in Iran.

Phil traveled to Washington DC in 1986 to meet with President Reagan. He was joined by Groundhog Club President Jim Means, Al Anthony and Bill Null.

Phil met Pennsylvania Governor Dick Thornburg in 1987.

In 1993, Columbia Pictures released the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray.

Phil appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show in 1995.

In the years following the release of the movie, record crowds numbering as high as 30,000 have visited Gobbler's Knob in Punxsutawney!

In 2001, Phil's prediction was shown live on the JumboTron at Times Square in New York City.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell attended the ceremonies, making him the first sitting governor ever to do so.




Phil's official coffee mug gracing his most awesome image


Also from Phil's official site as he likes to educate the public about his awesomeness and that of his relatives, by association, you know:

Groundhog Facts


The average groundhog is 20 inches long and normally weighs from 12 to 15 pounds. Punxsutawney Phil weighs about 20 pounds and is 22 inches long.

Groundhogs are covered with coarse grayish hairs (fur) tipped with brown or sometimes dull red. They have short ears, a short tail, short legs, and are surprisingly quick. Their jaws are exceptionally strong.

A groundhog's diet consists of lots of greens, fruits, and vegetables and very little water. Most of their liquids come from dewy leaves.

A groundhog can whistle when it is alarmed. Groundhogs also whistle in the spring when they begin courting.

Insects do not bother groundhogs and germs pretty much leave them alone. They are resistant to the plagues that periodically wipe out large numbers of wild animals. One reason for this is their cleanliness.

Groundhogs are one of the few animals that really hibernate. Hibernation is not just a deep sleep. It is actually a deep coma, where the body temperature drops to a few degrees above freezing, the heart barely beats, the blood scarcely flows, and breathing nearly stops.

Young Groundhogs are usually born in mid-April or May, and by July they are able to go out on their own. The size of the litter is 4 to 9. A baby groundhog is called a kit or a cub.

A groundhog's life span is normally 6 to 8 years. Phil receives a drink of a magical punch every summer during the annual Groundhog Picnic, which gives him 7 more years of life.




Phil's official 13 oz. beer mug with just enough room to contain that 12 oz. cold one






Groundhog Day Jokes


1000 Years of Summer

Paris, France
February 2, 2007

Groundhog Day - Not to be outdone by the Americans, UN officials held their own Groundhog Day.

In their own Groundhog Day ceremony, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), tying in reports on global warming, announced that there would be six more weeks of winter.

... followed by 1000 years of summer.




Phil's official starinless steel traveling coffee mug



What Day is it Today?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.





Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

11. It's on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows."

3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney."

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.





Winter quotes:

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. - Bill Vaughn

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. - Clyde Moore

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. - Patrick Young

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. - Kin Hubbard

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours!" - Robert Byrne

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. - Maori Proverb

I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime. - Will Rogers





Spring quotes:


Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" - Robin Williams

Where does the white go when the snow melts? – Anonymous

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. - Hal Borland

Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. - Virgil A. Kraft

In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours. - Mark Twain

You can't see Canada across lake Erie, but you know it's there. It's the same with spring. You have to have faith, especially in Cleveland. - Paul Fleischman

First a howling blizzard woke us,
Then the rain came down to soak us,
And now before the eye can focus -
Crocus. - Lilja Rogers

In springtime, love is carried on the breeze. Watch out for flying passion or kisses whizzing by your head. - Emma Racine deFleur

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year. - Ogden Nash

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. - Doug Larson



* * * For 2012 post, predictions:  Groundhog Day: How Many Talented Psychic Rodents In America?


* * * Check out:  Groundhog Day Louisiana Style: New Orleans T-Boy, Baton Rouge Boudreaux


*** Hope you enjoyed this romp through Phil's life with enough grins to get you through the next two weeks left of winter! THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe!

02 March 2010

Republican Senator Flips Off Middle Finger to Families: Takes Food Off Kids Plates

*** Republican Senator flies the hand eagle middle finger to the unemployed, families, children and a reporter who asked for his comment about how to explain his wrong action to families in need.


*** UPDATE: Republican Senator Flips Off Middle Finger to Families: Takes Food Off Kids Plates


From Denny: Kentucky Republican Senator Jim Bunning blocks extension of unemployment benefits to 400,000 - literally taking food out of the mouths of hungry children whose parents are depending upon the extension of unemployment benefits. The economy is equal to the time of The Great Depression when 20% of the country was unemployed. Today we call it underemployed; the underemployed figure is far higher, explaining the reason for bankruptcies across the nation. He's acting as a one man blockade by placing a hold on a short term $10 billion spending bill he doesn't like.

This year, because of his years of bizarre behavior, even his own Republican Party begged him NOT to run again; he did against their wiser objections. In 2006 Time Magazine named him five of the worst Senators in America. His reputation in the Senate is that of an arrogant, vicious man of mean temper, certainly not suited to the role of governing as a "cooler heads should prevail" Senator as the Founding Fathers originally intended for the Senate.

Because of his action: over 2,000 federal department of transportation workers are furloughed without pay, drunk driving programs, highway projects and extension of unemployment benefits to over 400,000 people are stopped and now expired. Work projects across the nation are affected by his action. What are these people supposed to do to pay their bills?

What else has been triggered by his action? A 21% decrease in Medicare fees paid to doctors for one. Even though his action can only last a few days at best, the long term effects are lingering for the unemployed as they try to catch up on their bills. The federal government spends more too - so his claim of watching spending is a joke.

One man affects the lives of thousands of people who now can't pay their bills or house notes and may end up in foreclosure as a result of his selfish act. How is that? The unemployed will not receive their unemployment monies from the days lost to this Senatorial hold by Bunning. So, if it goes on for 10 days then the unemployed lose one third of that month's benefits. This is one dastardly Republican strategy for sure.

He claims he's interested in talking about how to pay for this bill. The reality is he's cavalier with people's lives. This bill could not have gotten this far into the process unless the funds were there. So, his claimed reason is nonsense.



Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy




*** ALSO: Speaker Pelosi Grades the Republicans on Lack of Governing

8.8 Chilean Earthquake 500 Times More Powerful than Haiti

*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!








01 March 2010

Dick Cheney Fakes Heart Attacks, Glenn Beck Lies on Stage, CPAC Hate Mongering, Colorado Gunslingers - Funny Roundup of Late Night Comedy 1 March 2010

From Denny: The weirdest news yesterday was that students in Colorado are upset about not being able to carry concealed weapons to class any more because the university is trying to outlaw it. Who the hell let them do this in the first place? The State legislature made it legal to carry concealed weapons. Who said all the rednecks live in the South? What rednecks? All the real rednecks have been breeding out of control in Colorado? Glad I don't go to university out there in that crazy state.

At least around here in south Louisiana the only reason people keep guns are to hunt swamp rats - called nutria and actually taste pretty good and they are in the process of marketing the critters nationally - and hunt rabbits, deer, ducks and squirrel - and shoot the occasional stupid poisonous snake that slithers into the house and into the baby's crib. The Cajun motto here is if it moves, slithers or crawls it can be dinner on the table. Hmmm... might have to add politicians to that hunting list. Well, at least we don't hunt people like they like to do in Colorado. I wouldn't put anything past the Louisiana State legislature for brain dead stupid legislation. Usually, they prefer to line their pockets while literally building bridges to nowhere: the famous Sunshine Bridge. It sure is pretty.

Can you imagine if the greatest fear of the Colorado students out West was a crazed gunman comes onto campus, shooting randomly - and then in retaliation the entire student body pulls out their weapons and shoot back? Everyone would be dead. How do you like that scenario? People with no police or military training whatsoever carrying around concealed guns. Yeah, that's smart.

I could maybe deal with it if these students were required to pass sanity and police training tests every three months. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we call up Prez Obama to release some of that stimulus money to send the entire state of Colorado to Special Forces schooling? Then they will be so well trained in weapons we can ship them off to Iraq! Sounds like a plan. I hear the troops could use a holiday back home.

OK, stepping off my soapbox... That news story yesterday sure did blindside me.

On to the late night show funnies. With the Olympics still in full swing Colbert didn't miss a beat and found plenty to lampoon. Included here is one of his grins. He has plenty of Olympic themed videos, so knock yourself out. :)

Speaking of lampooning, Jon Stewart had a field day going after the bizarre antics of the Republican Party at their conservative hate-mongering CPAC convention, the Health Summit That Never Was and quoting Glenn Beck's supposedly philosophical yet terribly shallow nonsense thinking. Read that as "he got paid big bucks to tell lies on stage" to keep the faithful following the GOP.

And then there's Dick Cheney providing gossip fodder for the masses... Has anyone else wondered if he's having fake heart attacks? Isn't it interesting how every time he gets ugly, lies about the President on stage and to the TV cameras, suddenly he has a heart attack? There's big news coverage about his "condition" - but of course, don't you know, "it was really nothing serious" and "he's resting comfortably at home" - all before Obama has a chance to respond? Sure looks calculated and manipulative to me from where I'm sitting in my living room. How many times does Cheney pull the health card until the media grows some a backbone to call him on it? Meanwhile, he's laughing in his warped sleeve.





From Craig Ferguson:

It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.

There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.

I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.

Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.

But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.

I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.

Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.

Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'





Funny Jon Stewart's take on Prez Obama's Health Care Summit. Explains the practice of "reconciliation" in the Senate for moving votes along. Stewart Skewers GOP For Deeming Health Care Summit A "Setup":


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Summit's Eve
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorVancouverage 2010






From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.

Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'

Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore.

Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private.

He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword.

Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high.

More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything.

I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that.

Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.

President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.





Colbert is his usual irreverent self and gossips up the Cold War on Ice between the whining cry baby Russian versus the classy American who took a whole country's ire on the chin gracefully. Let me see if I understand this correctly: an American wins the gold and the Russians throw a temper tantrum because they wanted the gold.

Learn from America what America learned from you, Russia, during the Cold War era: Invest in your athletes and shell out the money to develop them. Don't blame America for what you were too cheap to invest. There was a time when Russia dominated the winter sports and that time was when Russia had a standard of excellence and invested in it. That time has passed by because of a lack of national interest.

Skip blaming everyone else for your rage and bring it home to where it belongs: on Russia's doorstep. Really, Mr. Putin, I expected better personal discipline from you. What a childish act of peeing on the gold medalist's stand by the silver medal holder skipping about the dais. He should have been disqualified for "stupid is as stupid does." He was outskated and out coached. Get over it. Gee, "do ya think?" I have an opinion about that incident? :)



The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Cold War Update - Olympic Edition
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorSkate Expectations






From Bill Maher:

We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force.

And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat a$$.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

About the two political parties sitting down together to try and reach bi-partisanship for the TV cameras at the Health Care Summit: President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.

Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres (a public lesbian - for those living outside America - she is a comedian who also has a successful TV show).

Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The 'Angel of Duh' himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart...





From David Letterman:

You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder.

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House.

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal

10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games





Jon Stewart lampoons CPAC for the Republicans as the conservatives weirdest answer to Woodstock while not high on recreational drugs. That's a bit scary. These guys are making nonsense declarations sober and straight. Be afraid; be very afraid...



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CPAC 2010 - Rage Within the Machine
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform



And fresh from the mouth of the right wing entertainer nutjob, Glenn Beck: Progressivism is evil, very evil. Taxes are bad for you. Of course, taxes pay for the roads of how business people send their goods to market. Taxes pay for those public libraries and museums you so enjoy. Jon Stewart's arch nemesis is Glenn Beck and he loves to take apart the bizarre declarations of he and his "witty" friends.



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rage Within the Machine - Progressivism
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform





Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform

1. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'- Jimmy Fallon

2. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

3. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. - Craig Ferguson

4. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

5. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' - Jimmy Fallon

7. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

8. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. – Craig Ferguson

9. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

10. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees. – Jimmy Fallon

7. Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!' – Jimmy Fallon

8. To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them. – Jay Leno

9. You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you. – Jon Stewart

10. The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.' - Jimmy Fallon





These two quizzes are just too funny! I took both of them as the answer choices were all hilarious. One of the funniest tests I ever enjoyed. OK, so I like to mess with quiz results - and I had fun creating the political equivalent of becoming a two-sided conflicted Gemini. Read that as the tests can be manipulated to result as a devotee of either side:


10 Questions to Determine Your Political Identity

Democrat Loyalty Quiz

Republican Loyalty Quiz



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