10 June 2011

Comics Lampoon Hapless Anthony Weiner, Weird Headlines, Photos



From Denny: This poor schmuck is beginning to look sympathetic. It's like everyone is piling on, OK, dumping on him, everything they are angry about in life. Right now, with a down economy and no relief in sight, that's considerable.

It's like there is this ninth grade mentality that has taken over the media, screaming the crudest headlines in the newspapers, TV and online news. Check out the ridiculous photos of the Weinergate scandal.

Meanwhile, the comics are lampooning his stupid Twitter antics. Sadly, comic Jon Stewart is good friends with Weiner and feels betrayed after trying to defend Weiner.

When the Weiner scandal first broke I figured it was just more toxic politics in an election year and I ignored it. Then it drug on and the media carried it on the nightly news incessantly. I caught a CNN interview with Weiner and knew immediately he was lying and that he had, in fact, sent the photos and they were his photos.

He did not admit it in the interview but rather dodged the questions. It was his body language that gave him away. A few days later he finally admitted out loud what was true. Hey, at least he's a bad liar. That's the good news for a politician.

His friend, comic Jon Stewart, is furious with him for lying about it and making his friends look like idiots for defending him. And, that, my favorite guy Jon Stewart, is why you don't jump on the media bandwagon until the story is fully told and we all know the complete truth of the matter.

That said, I'm not happy with my Democrats for throwing this guy under the bus. Where were they when the Republicans were guilty of the same sophomoric behavior? Acting like mute swans in most cases, just gliding by and hoping no one noticed.

Hey, get out and defend this hapless guy. Slap him with a morals charge fine and a Get Out Of Media Jail Card once he repents and promises never to be so utterly stupid and childish ever again. And threaten to throw him out of Congress if he doesn't shape up. And while you are it tell him to quit taking those steroids.

People make really dumb fails in life and this was Weiner's worst moment. Lady Karma has a way of getting people to finally come to their senses and do better by exposing them to public ridicule. Weiner should have listened to Lady Karma instead of The Little Man that kept popping up for attention.

Lady Karma wins and The Little Man now must give up his Twitter account. In the end, forgiveness has to rule the day. We all can't stay angry at the guy forever. Even his own district voters want him to remain in office, by a margin of 56 percent in favor of him.

Bring Weiner back into the fold of the Democratic Party - at least on probation - and get down to the business of running the country's government.

Meanwhile, check out the funny jokes from the late night comics. After all, political sex scandals are endless fascination for comedians. What is more weird are the crazy weird news headlines of which here are some of the photos.







From Conan O'Brien:

Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'

Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner.

51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it.

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'

"Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'




From Jimmy Kimmel:

Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.

Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.

Despite the scandal, Weiner will not resign, saying he hasn't done anything illegal and this is not the most embarrassing photo of him that has ever surfaced. That would be his senior portrait from high school. Weiner's high school portrait was taken at one of the rare moments when he wasn't being stuffed into the garbage can.




From Jon Stewart:

What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

You want me to cut my wrist again? Is that what you people do when watching this show? Are you people f*cking right now? – Jon Stewart, responding to news that "The Daily Show" figured into Anthony Weiner's sexual exchanges with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer

The most upsetting thing about having a friend caught up in a scandal of this nature is finding out A) he's packin' jumbo heat, and B) that he's ripped.




I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view. – Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him.

In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' … The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left! – Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

This Twitter is somethin' else. You know, in the old days, a congressman had to chisel images of his penis on limestone.




From Jimmy Fallon:

Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times.

There has been growing pressure for Anthony Weiner to resign. When asked for a comment, Weiner said, "Look, I'm not leaving ... but I am packing.

It's official. It turns out it was Weiner's weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!

It's been a tough week for him. He's lost so much support, and he had to buy a second pair of underwear too. I'm just glad he had the balls to admit his mistake.




From David Letterman:

I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!

More trouble for Anthony Weiner: He was fired as the voice of the Aflac duck.

When there's trouble, you can always tell who your friends are. And this poor guy, Anthony Weiner, is getting no support from nobody. Except, you know who's supporting Anthony Weiner? Newt Gingrich. Today, Newt Gingrich sent him a $10,000 cell phone case from Tiffany’s.

Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'

"How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week." –David Letterman

"Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno." –David Letterman

Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.




David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"
9. "Will this get me more followers?"
8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"
7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"
6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"
5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"
4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"
3. "What would Brett Favre do?"
2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"
1. "What could possibly go wrong?"





From Jay Leno:

This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house.

Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she'd like to see his wienerschnitzel.

Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen.

People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else.

Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.





Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.

This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house.

A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners.

He said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls in three years and no sex. You know what I call that? High school.

Weiner's beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner go a call from Bill going 'Yeah!'

The Anthony Weiner scandal shows that despite the wars and the economy, we’re all really still in 9th grade.




With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!

It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where’s the beef?' You can’t ask that now!

And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?




Jokes from NPR's "Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!"

The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe he's been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?

Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved."




From Craig Ferguson:

The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? 'Survivor: Weiner Island.'

Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman.

But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?' It's reverse world!

Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It’s a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, 'Thank you.'

Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired.






From Stephen Colbert:

Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!

I mean, call me old fashioned. But I long for simpler times and common sense values. I want to leave our grandchildren an America where Congressmen bang their secretaries. Sorry if there's no app for that.

I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis.






Weiner Jokes From Twitter Comics: Weinergate

BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere. — Steve Martin

Tattoo it on your chest, MEMENTO-style, Weiner: 'The Internet is forever.' — Patton Oswalt

A historic day for trivial Twitter fame. Charlie Sheen has called Anthony Weiner to offer his concession. — Arianna Huffington

Weiner-gate is teaching me a few things... if a pic posted of my weener on web looks big: i posted it, if its small, my account was hacked. — David Spade

Just my luck! On the same day I find out it's bad to tweet dirty pictures, FedEx shows up w/ all that penis make-up I ordered! — Andy Richter

BREAKING: Rep. Anthony Weiner admits the Twitter pics are his. He also said, 'When I took the pics it was really really cold. — Justin Stangel

Tough to know what Weiner was really thinking during his press conference because he was standing behind a podium. — Andy Borowitz

Well, our long, national nut-mare is over. - Steven Weber

Now that we have certitude of what Weiner's wang looks like, let's use it to raise the debt ceiling! - Jason Linkins

STEVE MARTIN IS REALLY OILED AND BUFF. OMG, my Twitter account was just hacked. —Steve Martin



Wednesday June 8, 2011
The Wangover
Anthony Weiner's tawdry correspondence reveals an exchange about having sex while watching The Daily Show.






I guess this is what happens when Bill Clinton presides at your wedding. — Sara Benincasa

Remember when the only people who saw a politician's penis were hookers and interns? - Jason Mustian

Maybe Weiner and his wife have an open genital-tweeting marriage. — Mileskahn

Americans will remember where they were, what they were doing, and what color underwear they were wearing when today's news broke. — Arianna Huffington

Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s." — PatGarofalo

Too bad Boehner won't stand up for Weiner." — JasonIsbell

Which would make a better theme song for weiner: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground?" — elraei

I hope that instead of retiring Weiner just reads a list of jokes. 'This is hard.' 'Yes: I am pulling out.' 'We faced stiff challenges.' — bengreenman




Top 10 Weinergate Headlines

1. Battle of the Bulge, Weiner Exposed (New York Post)

2. Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel (New York Post)

3. Yeah, I'm A Schmuck (New York Daily News)

4. The Big Wang Theory (The Daily Show)

5. Weiner's Pickle (Daily News)

6. Cocksure Weiner Mocked Larry Craig Sex Scandal (TMZ)

7. The Lesson of Weiner's Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete (Kansas City Star)

8. Boehner Won't Bite on Weiner (CNSNews)

9. Congressman Wants Weiner Probe (Fox News)

10. Weiner's 'Junk' Defense (The Daily Beast)


Forgive them all and let's move on to the adult world of solving the nation's problems.






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