31 October 2011

Funny Late Nite Jokes: GOP Gaffer Rick Perry

Rick Perry

From Denny:  GOP 2012 candidate Rick Perry has been stepping on his tongue ever since he entered the race.

Considering how we here in Louisiana feel about the next door neighbor's bullying Texas culture, we Cajun types affectionately call "Shit Kickers," it could not have happened to a better politician.

After all, who has empathy for the guy who thought the BP Oil Spill was  good event planning?  And what about his whining wife who could dish out the meanness but not take it when kicked back at her and her husband?  Whining is not a sign of inner spiritual strength.

This guy Perry proudly talks about executing more people in Texas than in other states.  Since when did we hire national leaders that bragged about killing people?  This is something that should be a solemn well considered decision and from a place of deep regret if necessary to do so.

The Republicans, and their conservatives, really need to do some soul searching for 2012 and decide if they are going to be real Christians, real Americans as part of this great country, or just out of control senseless jerks no one wants to take seriously.

In this election cycle you sure don't hear anyone touting that contradictory odd and failed conservative philosophy - OK, it's an oxymoron:  "compassionate conservative."

Comic Stephen Colbert was the first to champion (NOT!) Rick Perry as he parodied him.  The Colbert Bump is the last thing Republican politicians desire in their election cycle portfolio.  Colbert and Jon Stewart started vetting Perry right away.  And hey, my lame GOP Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindall, jumped on the band wagon to endorse Rick Perry.

Thankfully, Perry has sunk to new lows in the GOP polls, along with Jindall's chances of getting onto the ticket or the cabinet if, miracles of miracles, one of these GOP clowns slide into the White House.  Never say never, right?  Just look at George Bush that was propelled into the Oval Office.

Oh, and will someone please email the Jon Huntsman campaign and inform them he should run as an Independent?  It's his only hope - unless he orders up a case of straight jackets for his fellow GOP debaters.  If he is unsure as to where to purchase said fashion, just tell him to ask Michele Bachmann who seems on top of the cat walk look for crazy.

Check out what the funny late night comedians think of Rick Perry and his latest gaffes.  Remember, the internet lives forever.  Ain't Life grand?

From Conan O'Brien:

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.'

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''

Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'

Check out this video of Perry's Cornerstone Action speech in New Hampshire that went viral this week on YouTube. Many pundits are commenting he appears to be drunk - or a really unprepared and lousy speaker.  He giggles when presented with a bottle of maple syrup from the event organizers.  He talks about how cool is New Hampshire's state slogan.  He made fun of Herman Cain's odd tax plan that benefits only the very wealthiest among us.  These are many clips put together into one video.  It's definitely strange with echoes of President George Bush as a speaker:

From David Letterman:

Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster.

Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution.

Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry’s exhausted. He’s having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!

"Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Details of Rick Perry's Tax Plan"

10. Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named 'Mitt'

9. Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt

8. It's covered in rib sauce

7. Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or 'El tax muy caliente!'

6. It's called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan

5. The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin

4. Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)

3. Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he's talking about

2. All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese

1. Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection

From Jimmy Fallon:

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he's talking about. Then he added, 'But he does know what he's talking about.'

From Bill Maher:

Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black.

Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions.

Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody.

Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn't know where the 'Shot Heard 'Round the World' took place, Sarah Palin doesn't know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn't know that 1776 happened in the 1700's. These aren't gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if was a child, you'd leave him behind.

From Jay Leno:

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.

Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference.

Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.

Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.

Rick Perry's advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod. I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be.

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics.

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.

From Stephen Colbert:

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun.

‎Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

From Jon Stewart:

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America.

[Clip of Governor Rick Perry of Texas ad with announcer proclaiming: He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."]  Jon Stewart: And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor.  Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy?

From Rick Perry, the dumbest of his own Rick Perry Quotes:

Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that. You know, my hope is that America and Washington in particular pays attention. We've got a great union. There is absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what may come out of that? – Rick Perry, raising the prospect of Texas seceding, talkng to a reporter post Tea Party rally, April 15, 2009

If this guy prints more money between now and the election. I don't know what y’all would do to him in Iowa, but we - we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous - or treasonous in my opinion. – Rick Perry, suggesting on his first day campaigning for president that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke may be a traitor to his country, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, August 15, 2011

I don't think the federal government has a role in your children's education."–Rick Perry, at a campaign stop in Iowa, August 15, 2011

Young Hispanics in Texas can aspire to be the next Rolando Pablos, the chairman of the Texas racing commission; maybe the next Roberto de Hoyos, who heads our economic development shop; and one of my favorites, the head of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission Jose Cuevas. Is that awesome? That is the right job for that man. – Rick Perry, joke fail about Jose Cuervo tequila - before a Latino convention in Texas, June 23, 2011

You can always follow me on Tweeter. – Rick Perry, a total fail - referring to social networking site Twitter in a videotaped message to a crowd of conservative bloggers and social networkers, Minneapolis, June 21, 2011

I think in America from time to time we have to go through some difficult times — and I think we’re going through those difficult economic times for a purpose, to bring us back to those Biblical principles of, you know, you don't spend all the money. You work hard for those six years and you put up that seventh year in the warehouse to take you through the hard times. And not spending all of our money. Not asking for Pharaoh to give everything to everybody and to take care of folks because at the end of the day, it's slavery. We become slaves to government. – Rick Perry, June 2011.

(Denny:  Last time I checked the Bible, it was Pharoah that loaded up the former Israeli slaves with all the wealth of Egypt just to get them to leave Egypt he was so tired of the plagues.  You really wonder what drugs some of these GOP candidates are taking before they step on stage.)

Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America. – Rick Perry, referring to a city that is just across the Texas border in Mexico, February 28, 2011

From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented. —Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010

I am a firm believer in intelligent design as a matter of faith and intellect, and I believe it should be presented in schools alongside the theories of evolution. — Rick Perry in 2010

Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink. And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender. – Rick Perry, writing in his 2008 book, "On My Honor"

George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom. – Rick Perry in 2010

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