13 July 2011

Funny Late Nite Jokes: Casey Anthony Trial, News Corp Scandal, Debt Ceiling

Comic Jon Stewart calls Fox News on their many lies


From Denny: This past week comics had plenty to lampoon. William and Kate, the celebrated British royals came for a visit to California while on the continent.  There was an outburst of royal fever while they collected funds for their favorite charities.  Recently married this was their first excursion as a duo and they were warmly received everywhere they visited.

Casey Anthony Trial Verdict

On the darker side: the Casey Anthony trial, where a young single mother was accused of killing her two-year-old daughter. Jurors acquitted her, delivering a surprise verdict. The whole country erupted in indignation because everyone assumed her guilty.


Who puts duct tape over a child's mouth and binds her limbs and then rides around with her dead body in the car trunk for 30 days? At best it's mentally ill behavior. At worst it's a depraved narcissistic sociopath.

Either way it was the general consensus the prosecution flubbed the case.  They demanded the death penalty on flimsy evidence.  They had no witness.  The child's body was found six months later with little forensic evidence discovered.

Worse, the prosecutor was found to be smirking and smug in the courtroom, a real turn-off to the jury.  Had he gone for life in prison the jury may have found her guilty.  As it is, she was released for time served in prison while awaiting trial, three years.

And then there is the debt ceiling drama unfolding in Washington. Suddenly, President Obama has grown a pair and is actually looking like he is fighting the Republicans. Time will tell if he caves in the negotiations like he always has the past three years as they get closer to the deadline.

That's what the Republicans are counting on to happen so they can win as usual. Why should they give in to any demands of the Democrats when they know Obama will cave and give in to ALL their demands if they wait him out?

What's more interesting is how Eric Cantor, the GOP number two guy in the House next to Speaker Boehner, has been found to be using insider trading to buy and sell short on Treasury bonds, betting the bonds go down in value because of the debt ceiling talks of which he is involved.

Yet no one has investigated this because it is widespread in the Republican Party and throughout Washington circles as they are doing it too.  It's the dirty little secret the public does not know. What a bunch of skunks, betting off the misery of the American people. Yeah, that's patriotism all right.

News Corp Scandal - Rupert Murdoch and Fox News

And the beauty piece of news for the week is how News Corp, aka the Rupert Murdoch trash tabloid and Fox News media empire, is in serious trouble. At long last the criminals have been found out as actual criminals were found to be imitating journalists.  This week Murdoch closed down the 160-year-old News Of The World paper.

In the UK the News Corp scandal broke about how the News Of The World trashy tabloid newspaper was hacking the cell phones and email of terrorist victims, murder victims, the royals, the Prime Minister and dead military personnel. They even erased messages from those phones, obstructing justice.

Liberals are waiting to find out if this UK scandal will finally take down Fox News here in America which is known for never fact-checking their "news" stories. It's an entertainment show masquerading as a legitimate news network.

It's one thing if a media outlet wants to slant their news to the conservative side, reporting on how conservatives poll on issues and reporting on stories of greater interest to a conservative audience. It's quite another when they run character assassinations as regular story segments and blatantly lie about, well, just about everything that's in the news.

That isn't being conservative in their views, it's just plain crooked and the dispelling of propaganda meant to deceive and confuse people.  Fox News has never been an honest broker in the news world.

Check out the new cartoonists I found this week.  The national political cartoonists quit with the blog embed codes after they used all the publicity from various sites and blogs.  Now we are reduced to those mind-numbing slow page-by-page and frame-by-frame presentations on news network and cartoon sites to view them.  Can you tell I don't have the patience for all that? :)

So, while pondering whether it's high time I start doodling my own political satire cartoons I scouted around for other fresh faces in the cartoon world.  Flickr has a few talented folks I thought you might enjoy.

Found us some great new cartoons, most especially a cartoonist from Pakistan. Check out fellow journalist and cartoonist from Pakistan, Murad Ali Shah, over at flickr.



New target



From Jay Leno:

The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.

President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.

A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?

Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?

You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well.

The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee.

Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears.

According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it’s unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin laden had AT&T.

A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the united states. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning.

Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented.

Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today.

You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date.

It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire.

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.

I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida.


Derivative Fortune Teller from Brad C. Lawley @ flickr:

derivative-fortune-teller



From Jimmy Fallon:

The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps.

On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'



Radio Pakistan Khaerpur



From David Letterman:

Over the weekend, someone broke into our theater. I'm told that Jay Leno has an alibi.

Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?


"Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American"

10. The complimentary TSA groping
9. Other countries don't have one Dakota — we have two
8. Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth
7. Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O'Bachmann)
6. All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya
5. The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world
4. We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk
3. Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?
2. Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt
1. What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?



Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble at Michele Bachmann Campaign Headquarters

10. Staff spends 50% of time researching facts, other 50% explaining to Michele she got the facts wrong
9. Supply room is down to its last industrial-sized bucket of mascara
8. All the "Romney 2012" bumper stickers
7. They're putting a lot of emphasis on campaigning in Canada
6. Latest strategy: X-ray Bachmann's ass to prove it's real
5. The place is crawling with raccoons
4. Already filling out application for "Dancing With the Stars"
3. She's insisting the pilgrims came to this country to escape Queen Latifah
2. Everyone's under the impression the election's in 2013
1. Most commonly heard phrase: "Huh?"



David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' (presented by Keith Olbermann)"

10. You'll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah's gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It's the only show on television that's not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I'm sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.




David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat



David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"
9. "Will this get me more followers?"
8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"
7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"
6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"
5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"
4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"
3. "What would Brett Favre do?"
2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"
1. "What could possibly go wrong?"




From Craig Ferguson:

The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil.

In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing. There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS.

One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.

Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of 'Larry King Live.'


Peace...



From Bill Maher:

In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people.

I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann for President.

People are mad. There's a lot of soul-searching going on after the Casey Anthony verdict. Florida is looking into the jury selection process, their legislatures are reviewing laws, and CNN is considering whether Nancy Grace should be replaced by an actual glassy-eyed vulture.

Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened. It went smoothly aft first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis.

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican.

Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder." – comparing Republicans to the Casey Anthony jury

New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners - just beating the old record set by George Michael - and at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July - and not providing the inevitably needed healthcare - is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing Port-O-Potties.

New Rule: If your dad was on OJ's legal dream team, you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.


And, for those of us who are pet lovers - cartoon by Brad C Lawley @ flickr:

cartoon-illustration-tv-soaps-dog-cat-bird-brad-c-lawley






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