|Comic Conan O'Brien|
From Denny: When America catches and kills off a long hated terrorist what is there to do but to make tasteless jokes about it? The late night comics are in full laughing mode, mocking the insanity. Of course, now, what we will do for macabre entertainment here in the West?
The speculation is already on in the military, intelligence and comedy communities - sometimes these guys really do echo each other in the most spooky ways - as to who takes over as Bin Laden's harried replacement. Colbert adds his funny voice to the world journalists, showing the possible replacement for World Terrorist.
From Jay Leno:
Iran's intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That's like Pakistan having a truth minister.
The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore.
The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.
Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden's wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.
Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle.
Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this afternoon. 'Glugguuguuuugllgluuug.'
Bin Laden liked watching old footage of himself on video. The only thing he couldn’t bear to watch, footage of his old 10 o’clock show.
President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that's coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden.
Officials say the terrorists are now going after our railways. The rail line you should really avoid is Amtrakistan.
They have released videos found in Osama bin Laden's compound. Apparently, bin Laden dyed his beard black to look younger. It's probably pretty much washed off by now.
It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?
Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?
Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal.
Pakistan is still saying they didn’t know bin Laden was hiding there. He wasn’t hiding there. He was living there. Look at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here’s his restaurant, Osama bin Laden’s, downtown, and here he is getting a star on the Islamabad Walk of Fame.
Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals.
The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep.
They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'
The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls.
A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military.
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.
Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'
In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.
They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head.
The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: 'Don’t tase me, bro.'
The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head.
Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'
It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'
The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.
Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.
From David Letterman:
They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.
They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.
They have found Osama bin Laden's diary. Some entries: 'Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.' 'Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.' The final entry: 'Dear Diary, can't talk now. Someone's at the door. Hope it's the Domino's guy.'
David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"
10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward
Bin Laden had Viagra in his medicine cabinet, but he didn’t take any with him into the afterlife, so 66 of the virgins are still on standby.
Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania.
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden"
10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"
9. "Can you work weekends?"
8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"
7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"
6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"
5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"
4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"
3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"
2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"
1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"
They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.
They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor"
10. Didn't matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
9. No one gave us better hugs
8. Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard — you're welcome, ladies!
7. He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
6. Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
5. Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
4. Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
3. The adorable way he'd shout 'Death to weeds!' when mowing the lawn
2. At barbecues he made his famous 'Fatwa Franks'
1. You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood
The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.
It was so nice in New York City today that Navy SEALs raided a Jamba Juice.
Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"
10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'
9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'
8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'
7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'
6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'
5. 'Biden, wake up!'
4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'
3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'
2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'
1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'
Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden's season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding.
How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.
We finally killed bin Laden. That didn't take too long.
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
From Conan O'Brien:
They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'
Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World — and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'
President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what's up.
Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'
It turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with his youngest wife. So if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have.
Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'
At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.
Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '
Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about 'American Idol.' That really shows that we've won the War on Terror.
The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.
The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called 'Team 6.' Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump's shot at being president.
Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with 'Thank God for President Obama.' In other words, the Apocalypse has begun.
Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.
President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'
Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's.
The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?
The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.
From Craig Ferguson:
The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife.
The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up.
Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'
President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound. And it didn't help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, 'Are we there yet?'
Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'Good Night, Douche,' 'Horton Hears a Helicopter.'
Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.
Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river.
I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'
Navy SEALS are very badass hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom.
Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass.
Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.
President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'
From Bill Maher:
New rule: you can't rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn't bin Laden's only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were 'Deep Goat,' 'Radical Jizzlam,' 'Barely Visible,' '72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, 'Yentl.'
Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won't do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right.
Stop saying 'we' got Osama. 'We' didn't do anything. 'We' were watching 'Celebrity Apprentice' and eating Funions in our sweatpants. Seal Team 6 did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing; that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So it was a joint Navy Seals/People's Bank of China/grandchildren operation.
They say the Navy Seals had attack dogs with titanium fangs; that they replaced their real teeth with titanium. You know you have a badass black president when even his dogs have a grill.
Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson?
Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump.
Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at. Because it's not defense. 9/11 happened on your watch. And you retaliated by invading the wrong country. And you lost a 10-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden. And you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak. You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct. But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi's bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden's eye like Moe Greene. Raising the question: How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his a$$?
From Seth Meyers:
In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.
In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.
From Jimmy Fallon:
The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida.
Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.
After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'
While promoting her 'Let's Move' campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.
Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies.
President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012.
Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion.
Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER.
Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump: "The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome.
From Stephen Colbert:
"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.
Bin Laden lived in a big mansion. He peaked in 2002 and he's been in trouble with the law ever since. He's basically a fundamentalist Lindsay Lohan.
Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles.
I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. ... I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.
Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed it.
From Jon Stewart:
He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.
I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh... no!
What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like a name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice.
For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us.
As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.
He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.
Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'
Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.
The initial reports said that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy SEALs, but now it appears that he was killed by actual seals.
This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL.
The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'
There's one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn't talk about Charlie Sheen.
I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.
After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.
There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.
This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day! (referencing Republican Senator Craig who is still in office)
By the way, 'buried at sea' means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.
And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.
Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.
Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.
The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death.
A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he's in superhell.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Recap - Week of 5/16/11
Stephen reviews Osama bin Laden's potential replacement, mentions Bin Laden's porn stash and how it could affect teenaged boys and John Lithgow performs Newt Gingrich's press release in his best campy style. (04:11)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Osama bin Laden's Replacement
Osama bin Laden's second-in-command gets passed over for a temp who doesn't even have a beard. (02:49)
Now that we have the Bin Laden raid out of our comedy system we can go back to worrying about what really matters in life:
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