06 May 2011

Funny Friday Lite: Osama Bin Laden Late Nite Jokes


                                            President Bush looking for Bin Laden all these years

From Denny:  While the news outlets continue to dissect the details of the Bin Laden compound raid, the comedians have wasted no time in concocting their best jokes.  The jokes center less around Bin Laden and his demise and more around everyone's perception of the decade-long situation. President Obama is seen in a new and more favorable light.

Meanwhile, the fallout for Pakistan is heavy.  Absolutely no one believes they didn't know Bin Laden was living among them for six years - by new estimates.  Interestingly enough, the CIA kept an observation station house near his compound, waiting to confirm "the high value" target was indeed living there.  Since drone attacks are not that popular with the neighbors, America waited until intelligence certainty before securing the terrorist.

Bin Laden carried out his business on low tech, still at the head of the organization.  He had no land line phone, no cell phone, no computer lines.  Everything was handled old school with handwritten instructions and using couriers to deliver attack plans.  He used couriers to deliver hard cash to those he bought off in the area who protected him, most likely the retired military who were politically connected along with the local mayor and regional governor.

As to the cartoons, there are sites with "Osama in Hell" sections devoted just to him.  Lots of new cartoons today too.  Obviously, this terrorism garbage hit a nerve with everyone in the world.  America is tired of the stupidity and the Arab world is weary of America chasing down the violent fools on their soil.  Maybe now, most of the world will finally get around to acting sensible again, trying to build a better world for their families by working on being at peace with all their neighbors.  Peace rules!


Rob Rogers




Clay Bennett




Clay Bennett




Lisa Benson



From Jay Leno:

Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan.

A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military.

Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'

In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.

They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head.

The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: 'Don’t tase me, bro.'

The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head.

President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up.

Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?'

Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you're Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.

NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear.

Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'

The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.

Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.


Robert Ariail




Clay Bennett



From David Letterman:

They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.

They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor"

10. Didn't matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
9. No one gave us better hugs
8. Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard — you're welcome, ladies!
7. He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
6. Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
5. Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
4. Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
3. The adorable way he'd shout 'Death to weeds!' when mowing the lawn
2. At barbecues he made his famous 'Fatwa Franks'
1. You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood


The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.

It was so nice in New York City today that Navy SEALs raided a Jamba Juice.

Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer.


Nick Anderson



David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden"

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often'
9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?'
8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes'
7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak'
6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent'
5. 'Biden, wake up!'
4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?'
3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube'
2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!'
1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this'



Jeff Stahler




Walt Handelsman



Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden's season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding.

How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.

We finally killed bin Laden. That didn't take too long.

There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.



Nick Anderson


David Letterman's "Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden"

10. 'My horoscope says 'Big surprises are in store''
9. 'See, this is why I normally don't answer the door'
8. 'The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo . . . '
7. 'What on earth could be interrupting 'Celebrity Apprentice?''
6. 'I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise'
5. 'At least I'll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne'
4. 'I'm not sure I want to live in a world where 'Fast Five' is the No. 1 movie'
3. 'Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?'
2. 'I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head'
1. 'Oh, crap!'


Rob Rogers




Jeff Stahler



From Conan O'Brien:

Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'

At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.

Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '

Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about 'American Idol.' That really shows that we've won the War on Terror.

The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.

The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called 'Team 6.' Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump's shot at being president.

Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with 'Thank God for President Obama.' In other words, the Apocalypse has begun.

Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.

President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'

Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's.

The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?

The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.



Jerry Holbert




Lisa Benson




From Jimmy Fallon:

President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.

After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'

While promoting her 'Let's Move' campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.

Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies.

President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012.

Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion.

Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER.

Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump: "The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome.


Jerry Holbert




Drew Sheneman



From Stephen Colbert:

Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles.



From Jon Stewart:

He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.

I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!

What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden.



Henry Payne





From Craig Ferguson:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'Good Night, Douche,' 'Horton Hears a Helicopter.'

Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.

Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river.

I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'

Navy SEALS are very bada$$ hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom.

Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his a$$.

Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.

President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'



Signe Wilkinson



From Jimmy Kimmel:

As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.

He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.

Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'

Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.

The initial reports said that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy SEALs, but now it appears that he was killed by actual seals.

This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL.

The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'

There's one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn't talk about Charlie Sheen.

I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.

After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.

There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.

This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day!

By the way, 'buried at sea' means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.

And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.

Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.

Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.



Nick Anderson




*** For more funny posts and Middle East news:

Mission Accomplished: Dead Terrorist Osama Bin Laden Political Cartoons

Funny Obama at White House Correspondents Dinner

Dead: Osama Bin Laden, Time To Stop Iraq-Afghan Wars

Jon Stewart Laughs Off Idiot Early Presidential Polls 

Iran: Gotcha Government Systems With The Stars Virus

Jon Stewart Interviews Egypt Revolution Activist Gigi Ibrahim






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