08 December 2010

Funny Lite: Roundup of Late Night Jokes and Videos - 8 Dec 2010

Check out how the comedians view WikiLeaks and Santa.



From Denny:  WikiLeaks has permeated the world culture - even with comedians. After all, the political and diplomatic spheres are already known for "leaks" so why shouldn't everything else not be "on the table"? From Santa to a Nigerian corrupt government trying to arrest one of America's corrupt politicians, Cheney, the news has been profitable for American comedians ready to tell us a joke - that also happens to be the truth.


Signe Wilkinson




Of course, WikiLeaks fanatics continue to dominate the world conversation. WikiLeaks hacker and founder, Australian Julian Assange, threatened to release UFO documents if he was arrested by the British. Well, he was arrested by the Brits this week and still no UFO docs. Darn, I was looking forward to those embarrassing moments caught on tape and then documented on paper by paranoid governments. I guess we have to wait for the next Assange serial installment. This guy only releases low level information that he wasn't able to sell to various governments: the guys who would be embarrassed or the guys who want to embarrass them. Either way, ol' Assange has himself one profitable business. Now, why didn't you and I think of such a good gig in this down economy??? :)






Funny Videos Featured:

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks FOX on War on Christmas - Check out glib Stewart as he blasts crazy Fox News for the imaginary War on Christmas brigade marching into their studio.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart On Prez National Displeasure - Stewart pokes fun at the wrong Obama attitude toward Democrats by mocking him.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Confederate Commemoration - Enjoy a little North-South humor from Jon Stewart lampooning the Confederate reenacting



Steve Sack


From Jay Leno:


Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program.

President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks.

You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'

Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator.

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy.

Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about.

What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent.



Paul Szep



The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he's some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'

President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush.

The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore . . . They're now 'nondenominational venison.'

WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation.

President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change.

Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here.

The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had.

Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special.

A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.

According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer.

In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'

Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it.

Michelle Obama is hoping to put salad bars in 5,000 school cafeterias. They expect as many as 3 students to use them.


Chip Bok



From Conan O'Brien:


Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah.

President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'

The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years.

Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his 'glowing magic window.'

President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, 'Todd, get my gun.'

Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.

WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'

A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'

President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank.

In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'

Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down.

Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring.

Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'



Steve Benson



From David Letterman:


Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson.



David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The WikiLeaks Guy"

10. Name on mailbox reads 'WikiLeaks Guy'
9. Spends most of his free time burying stuff in the yard
8. He insists you speak directly into his necktie
7. More than once, you've caught him crawling in your ventilation ducts
6. He told you about Jeter's new contract at Thanksgiving
5. He insists you speak directly into his necktie — that joke was already in the Top Ten. We really need someone checking these things
4. On recycling day, he puts out cans, bottles, and classified documents
3. His idea of small talk is 'Good morning' and 'Want the coordinates of our secret military base in the Strait of Hormuz?'
2. Any time you talk to him, all he says is, 'I know. I know. I know . . . '
1. Gets drunk and takes a 'WikiLeak' on your porch — Hayo!



Jerry Holbert



From Jimmy Kimmel:


Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd.

WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents.

On his book tour George W. Bush said, 'I was a Blackberry person, and now I’m an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.' So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn’t care about Blackberries.

WikiLeaks' Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who's wanted for rape in Sweden, we'll make a note of that.

Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It's quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks...

The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it's not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids.

Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet.

President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player.

Black Friday shopping can get very rough. You would think his ears would protect him from flying elbows.



Robert Ariail



From Jimmy Fallon:


WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay.

American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight.

The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how handsie the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle.



From Jon Stewart:


The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing." - on the "War on Christmas"

Legislation was enacted in 1993 designed to allow gay people to serve in the military as long as they told their colleagues that the ripped, topless and be-jean shorted fireman that they had in their foot locker was cousin Rico." – on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you.

WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves.



Gary Varvel




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