Roundup of Late Night Shows' Funnies

Barack Obama's 2009 Inauguration's Best Laughs

Colbert Report

Colbert: Barack Obama's first act as commander in chief was to bungle Chief Justice Robert's perfectly reasonable attempt to rewrite the oath of office.

Tonight Show

Leno: President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. You know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay?

Late Night

Conan: Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisers say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair.

Colbert Report

Colbert: The Constitution says that the president takes office at noon on Inauguration Day, oath or no. So I'm pretty sure that means the presidency goes to whoever was on camera at noon. Jimmy, do we have that? The new president is Yo Yo Ma!


Tonight Show

Leno: The inauguration ceremony must have a tremendous impact on the rest of the world. You see this latest picture of Osama bin Laden? Look at this -- isn't that Aretha's hat? [picture of bin Laden with Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat.]

Daily Show

Reverend: When brown can stick around. When yellow will be mellow. When the red man can get ahead, man. Stewart: When blue will be allowed in too. When puce will be set loose. When we rise above the minutia of fuchsia.

Roundup of Late Night Shows' Funnies

Earmarks and Bailouts and Fraud, Oh My!

From: ABC News This Week with George Stephanopoulous


The Late Late Show

Ferguson: Here's how bad the economy is. "Sesame Street" has had to lay off 67 people. Now all the characters are living in garbage cans.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kimmel: The president said we can't stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers. He is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed.


The Tonight Show

Leno: Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion.

The Colbert Report

Colbert: Today he announced he is ending the abuse of earmarks! [Cut to graphic bill.] Then, to show he means business, he signed an appropriations bill containing nearly 9,000 earmarks... Now, the bill was written months ago and the president signed it reluctantly. You can tell by looking at his signature [full screen signature with a big frownie face in O of Obama].


Late Night

Letterman: Bernie [Madoff] and his wife, Ruth, have been in the penthouse. They got together and said we have $69 million. We'd like to hang on this $69 million. They said are you nuts? This is not fraud money. This is money we saved by switching to Geico.

Roundup of Late Night Shows' Funnies

Lampooning the Budget Blues

The Tonight Show

Leno: They're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models. That's how banks should go.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kimmel: The spending package passed with almost no Republican support, but Obama said he's focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He sent every Republican a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.


The Late Show

Letterman: Here's how bad things are California. They've canceled the next three mud slides. That's how bad…

The Late Late Show

Ferguson: It was very bad news for Sarah Palin. Good news and bad news. The bad news was the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is she now qualifies to be in Obama's Cabinet.

The Tonight Show

Leno: California lawmakers have been pulling all-nighters, trying to pass the budget. They're literally sleeping there. [Video of lawmakers asleep, with voiceover: "As night stretched into morning, the building lockdown turned the Capitol into an unwilling slumber party. Democratic leaders seeking a breakthrough for this historic interest..." (Leno sneaks in to puts sleeping lawmakers' hands in warm water).]

Roundup of Late Night Shows' Funnies

From ABC News' This Week with George Stephanopoulous


Tonight Show

Leno: We gave them $165 billion. Now we're giving them $30 billion. You know what AIG stands for? "And It's Gone!"


Colbert Report

Colbert: I get one of these every month from my broker, all right, this is looking okay. This is -- oh my god!! [portfolio bursts into flame].


Late Night

Letterman: The guy is saying it's a good time to buy stocks. So here's what you do, instead of that latte you buy in the morning, pick yourself up a thousand shares of GM.


Tonight Show

Leno: The Obama family finally getting their dog. Kevin: Oh, great. Jay: They're getting their dog, yeah. They say they're getting a Portuguese water dog. Kevin: Really? Jay: And today Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!


Real Time

Maher: No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday. Did you see that? Obama now has grey hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough!


Colbert Report

Colbert: He got Sasha and Malia a new swing set on the South Lawn. Adorable. Jimmy, put this on a full frame. It's got a climbing wall, a tire swing and in the back there's a slide so you can pretend you're the Dow Jones index.