28 August 2012

Funny Jokes: Republican Convention, Hurricane Isaac, Galilee Sex Scandal




From Denny:  Check out the late night comics.  They really don't like Paul Ryan.  And you thought Mitt Romney was not popular...  So far, I haven't been impressed by the boring Republican Convention.  

It does make you wonder just how desperate the Republicans are to win the White House when they contracted for CBS Scott Pelley to interview Anne Romney about her various health issues over the years.  I caught the interview this afternoon.  He actually prompted her to "tell us about your miscarriage."  You have got to be kidding me.  What did Pelley receive in exchange?  A promise for exclusive interviews if Romney wins?  

It was the most tasteless interview I've seen in years, asking her about her miscarriage episode.  What was stranger is how rehearsed the story was. Stranger still was the lack of emotion, lack of passion in the retelling.  My husband and I both looked at each other in disbelief:  Is this for real?  That odd interview really left you wondering if the story was even true - or an exaggerated version of the truth - because it was so not like how any woman I know ever relates the same circumstances.

The saddest thing about trotting out Anne Romney to tell a passionless story about a traumatic event, the unexpected end to a pregnancy, is just how low our national politics have sunk.  Anything to try and humanize Mitt Romney and grab women to identify with them.  This is a case of TMI.

These late night jokes kept our house entertained today as we wait out Hurricane Isaac.  We got our gear ready several days ago because we knew that we had a short window to prepare - less for now Hurricane Isaac (category 1) and more for the onslaught of thousands of folks driving up from New Orleans to escape the flooding.  They end up raiding our grocery stores and gas stations and clogging the roads.  They are like a swarm of locusts. :)

You see, there is a land shelf just outside of New Orleans that causes hurricanes to kick up in intensity.  What may be just a strong tropical storm can hit that land shelf and suddenly kick up to a category 1, 2 or even a 3.  

Fortunately, most folks in New Orleans have learned to get out while the getting's good.  Traffic here in Baton Rouge was bumper to bumper for a couple of days because of the New Orleans evacuees.  We locals have just learned to stay out of their way.

So, here I sit, tapping away on my keyboard, listening to the wind howl outside my window and waiting for the slow-moving rain deluge to arrive tonight.  It's always about the flooding here in Louisiana.  

Sit back and laugh along with me.  Lots of funny Romney and Ryan photos to enjoy too. 

And hey! Please take a look at the growing product designs - witty and serious - over at Denny Lyon Gifts where I'm raising funds to help out homeless female military veterans.  Some funny Halloween designs to enjoy as a laptop skin, a mug, a t-shirt, a throw pillow and more.  You know Christmas is coming...



From David Letterman:

Beginning Monday is the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Do you know what the theme is this year? Room Service and Hookers.

Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman."

You know who else is going to be at Tampa for the Republican Convention? Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey. On his way down there the last they heard from him he was on I-95 at the truck scales.

Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month.

The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. This is serious stuff. CNN is on full Blitzer.

The winds in Tampa are so strong today, they blew the dog off the top of Romney's car.

This year the theme of the Republican convention is '50 Shades of White.'



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We found out early that Kelly Ripa, after five years of searching for a new co-host to replace Regis Philbin, has finally found the guy that's going to take his job, the man who's going to fill his shoes – New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan. They were going to announce it at the Republican convention but we found out.

Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns.

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he's in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today.

Akin apologized on Rachel Ray's show and then they made veal mea culpa.




David Letterman's Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Paul Ryan

10. He's only the 32nd white guy to become Republican vice presidential nominee.
9. Was runner-up on Season 3 of "The Bachelorette."
8. Always shampoos once, conditions twice.
7. Got his start in Congress as John Boehner's tanning boy.
6. Claims to be "a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets."
5. Like the rest of America, wonders what Romney is hiding in his tax returns.
4. Has a good feeling about this Jennifer Aniston marriage working out.
3. Eats nothing but plants, berries and small turtles.
2. Even before working at Oscar Meyer, had reputation for "driving the wienermobile."
1. Born in Kenya.








Mitt looks like a guy who would be the closer at Beverly Hills Mercedes.

And Mitt's running mate Paul Ryan — who has dropped out of nowhere and has energized the Republican ticket — he looks like the guy you see on packages of underwear.

Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns.

Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes.

Paul Ryan likes to catch a catfish bare-handed. He'll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. Meanwhile, Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster.

Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, 'Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?'

Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.




Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he's drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney.

Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists.

Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks.

I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?








How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney.

I like the looks of this Paul Ryan, the representative from Wisconsin. He reminds me of who your sister would date in college. He looks like one of those guys who pretends to be a doctor on an infomercial. He reminds me of the guy at Olive Garden who comes over to see how everything was.

In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

After Romney's horse finished 18th it refused to release its tax records.





Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses (for skinny-dipping naked in the Sea of Galilee)

10. "What's the big deal, I was naked the whole trip"
9. "It was spring break; chill out"
8. "People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity"
7. "In my defense, I had been drinking heavily"
6. "Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney's taxes"
5. "It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing"
4. "It's Obama's fault"
3. "Putting the 'junk' in 'congressional junket'"
2. "I can't swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?"
1. "That's how we party in Kansas"







Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he's saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen.

Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.

On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money.

You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping.

Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, 'What? Isn't that what got Clinton in trouble?'




From Jon Stewart:

The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study...will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen.

His eyes are just so blue. It's like looking into a Smurf's anus." –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan


From Stephen Colbert:

Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'





From Jay Leno:

They're now worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week's Republican convention. But Florida is ready for it. Thanks to President Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.

Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.

Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney's or Paul Ryan's head will move. They have guaranteed that.

It’s now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama.

According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves.

Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin.


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At a campaign stop in Ohio, a group of senior citizens greeted Republican Vice President nominee Paul Ryan and yelled 'Good luck!' It’s good to see the cast of 'The Expendables 2' is everywhere this week.

Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes.

A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States.

It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. See, I think the Republicans should use these 60-mile an-hour winds to their advantage. Mitt Romney should walk about there and go, here are my tax returns for the last 10 years....Oh my gosh, what happened?'

This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan.




Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac — like today Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal.

Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, 'I never even met the woman.'

It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can't bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism.

This is my favorite statistic so far. According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African American voters. And I don't think the GOP slogan at  convention is helping any: 'See what white can do for you.'




Welcome to "The Tonight Show" — or as Comcast calls us, "The Expendables." As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized "The Tonight Show." We've consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we've been taken over by Bain Capital.

Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people.

Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.

Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are now campaigning separately. They didn't want to, but Chick-Fil-A threatened to pull their campaign contributions. Getting too lose. Kind of a bromance.

Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip.

Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally.

Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all.

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Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.

Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns.

We're learning more and more about the Wisconsin Congressman. Apparently, he's a huge Green Bay Packers fan. See, that shows you how far the Republicans have progressed - this time, their VP is a cheesehead. Remember, last time it was an airhead. That was totally different.

Ever since it was announced Sarah Palin will not be speaking at the Republican Convention, the Romney campaign has been flooded with thousands of texts and emails demanding that she be allowed to speak... all from President Obama.

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman.











From Jimmy Kimmel:

Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to develop into a hurricane in the next few days. Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention starts in Florida on Monday. The National Weather Service says the storm could reach category 5, which is strong enough to move Mitt Romney's part to the other side of his head.

The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. The president is hoping it's a way to engage grass-roots supporters to give money. A friend of mine tried to donate money and ended up voting for Sanjaya.

Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?




Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide.

Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don't like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can.


On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy.

Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts.

Paul Ryan's plan is to cut government spending with his razor-sharp widow’s peak…You could open a can of beans with that.










From Jimmy Fallon:

CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'

It’s National Senior Citizen’s Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week — the Republican Convention in Florida.

A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.

In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'

Mitt Romney wants to cut funding for PBS. That explains why today “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letters 'O and “Bama.'

Mitt Romney's vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, 'Didn't you just get a new job?'

Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate.



Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.

During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.'




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From Bill Maher:

They’re all going down to Tampa where an Evangelical party is going to nominate a Mormon and a Catholic and then get wiped out by a hurricane…leaving Florida to the Jews as God intended.

Everyone is making contingency plans. Paul Ryan went to Florida early, Mitt battened down his hair, and Newt Gingrich says he likes hurricanes and said he looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster.

Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money.

I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good.

As much as the Republican establishment wants to denounce Akin and to make him quit, there's very little difference between what he says and what is in his platform. Their platform says no abortion, no exceptions – not for rape, not for incest, not even for Snooki.




Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin.

Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me.'

This ticket is supposed to be so anti-government and pro-business. Paul Ryan has been in government his whole life, practically from kindergarten. You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around.

It's only been six days that they've been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror.

Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest.


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There are these groups now called 'Dark Money groups.' Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don't have to reveal where the money is coming from -- no identity. It's the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile.

New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it.

New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world.

Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.




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