27 September 2011

Late Nite Jokes Roundup: Comics Mock 2012 Politics, Faster Load

From Denny: Start off your work week laughs with America's favorite comics. These are all their best jokes for September 2011. 

They cover everything from Labor Day, former VP Dick Cheney's new book (Fabrication of Outrageous Lies), President Obama and Speaker Boehner arguing over when the president can give a speech because it might interfere with a lame GOP debate or American football. 

We all know which one of those events is most important. :)

The GOP candidates and their strange debates where the audience cheers how many people were executed in Texas this year is a slam dunk for the comics. And the Independents are edging farther and farther away from the GOP, yet, strangely enough, not moving toward Obama and the Democrats either. 

Can this be the year ol' Ralph Nader finally succeeds if he makes his bid for the presidency?

Not to be missed are the continuing Sarah Palin jokes. For someone who insists upon being so one-dimensional it sure is amazing just how jokes are manufactured about her.

* * * Update: Moved the video clips to a new post with a link from here so this post loads faster. Still unable to truncate the post in the compose function of the draft editor. Sigh. Well, this is still an improvement. :) Since Blogger is experiencing posting issues since this weekend, I'll keep this short. Once they fix the compose function of the draft blogger editor I'll get back here and clean up any odd formatting that may occur. Meanwhile, just read and laugh and watch these great funny video clips from Jon Stewart - and laugh some more. Thanks for visiting and come back often!




From David Letterman:

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven't heard one of them yell, 'It was consensual!'

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.

World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker.

A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists.




David Letterman's "Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda" 

10. Screw with the Swedes

9. Recap highlights from last night's 'Two and a Half Men'

8. Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens

7. Pass resolution that Steve Carell 'was robbed' at the Emmys

6. Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years

5. Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay

4. Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called 'Two Broke Countries'

3. Do whatever China says

2. Congratulate whatever country came up with the 'Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' books, because those were awesome

1. Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa



All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more.

At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers.

Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren't Iraq or Korea.





David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan" 

10. Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn

9. New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!

8. Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee 7. Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays

6. From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents

5. Change the definition of the word 'deficit'

4. Seniors must wait until they're 112 before they can collect Social Security

3. Open more post offices — those places are money machines!

2. Congressmen must pay hookers in cash

1. Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it's like found money




The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel.

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.

Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work.







David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around"

10. Change name to UPS

9. Invent a stamp that licks back

8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes

7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from 'Star Wars'

6. If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free

5. Bedazzled uniforms

4. New hit reality show: 'Real Mailmen of New Jersey'

3. Customers can now pay with gas or grass

2. Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night

1. Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions



Dick Cheney's memoir, 'Eat, Pray, Waterboard,' has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby.

President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating.

Obama's approval rating is 38 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that.

Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I'm sure that will sail right through.

Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?

New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise.




David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Labor Day Weekend Plans"

10. Unwind after his two-week vacation

9. A backyard barbecue with the guy who forged his birth certificate

8. Flip through Gadhafi's sexy photos of Condi

7. Resist cigarette cravings by chewing on charcoal briquettes

6. Hire goons to rough up Mitt Romney

5. Grill up some of Michelle's delicious kale paste

4. Update his resume

3. Hillbilly Handfishin'

2. Pretty much whatever the Republicans tell him he can do

1. Sit around bonfire reading scary passages from Dick Cheney's memoir






* * * Check out the funny video from Jon Stewart and another one from Bill Maher here:


Funny Jon Stewart Mocks Rick Perry



From Bill Maher

I’ve been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, ‘I don’t believe in evolution.

Rick Perry is the frontrunner and they love him because he's authentic. You got to give him that. He is a real a$$hole.

Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.

Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead.

Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.

Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.


Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.

There's a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry’s decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it's a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.

Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.


After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'

Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.

A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.

Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.

By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.

Trying to get today's Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits. 


* * * Check out the funny video from Jon Stewart and another one from Bill Maher here:


Funny Jon Stewart Mocks Rick Perry






From Conan O'Brien:

The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.

A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.

This week, the U.S. military will formally end it's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'

President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'

Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden.

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.

Mitt Romney's campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It's called, 'Vote for Mitt Romney or else you'll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.'

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'

It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.

In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts.

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.

Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair 'Secretary of Handsome.'

Fun fact about Rick Perry: In high school, voted most likely to execute 200 people.

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.

One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann.

According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't receive the report in the mail for another two years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at.





From Jay Leno:

President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.

The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they're expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They've already taken $535 million.

Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you're gay and you don't want to join the military and they reinstate the draft.

Don't Ask Don't Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able toget married when they get back home.

The military's policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is officially over. Don't confuse this withPresident Obama's economic policy, which is 'don't ask, I don't want to talk about it.'

Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.

Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.

President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America.

Obama said Americans feel things aren't fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That's an inspiring campaign speech.

Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies.

More and more information coming out about our other presidential candidates. Like, did you know thatMitt Romney's real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Well, thank god he had the good sense to change it to "Mitt." That's so much more accessible than Will.

An article in the paper says today that Rick Perry is just 'George Bush 2.0.' To which Bush said '2.0? I wish I did that well in school. Those are my dream grades.

If a person contributes just $5 to President Obama's campaign, that person will become eligible to win a private dinner with the president. But if you win, you're buying.

Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer.

I don't want to say the solar panels are bad, but they absorb less sunlight than John Boehner.

I had a terrible dream last night - I dreamed my cat was sick and the only veterinarian in town was Ron Paul and I didn't have my proof of pet insurance card. It was awful.

NASA now says the bright streak of light seen in the skies over the southwest United States was a meteor. Witnesses say it dazzled brightly, then flamed out quickly - kind of like Obama's presidency.

A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating Rice says she quit before the second half. And it's getting catty. She's now calling him Minute Rice.

The Democrats lost a seat they've held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, 'At least President Obama created one new job.'

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn't that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.

The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL.

Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.

The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad.

President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.

Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks.

Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare TV appearance yesterday. He said everyone keeps reporting that he's dead, but he's actually alive and well. He said he went on TV, basically to prove he's still alive. It's pretty much the same reason President Obama was on TV last night. 'I'm still here! I've got your jobs!'

In his speech President Obama called the plan the 'American Jobs Act.' It sounds a lot better than the original title, the 'Save My Ass Act.'

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents.'

Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin.

President Obama's jobs speech was tonight: A guy whose job nobody approves of giving a speech about jobs that don't exist to people who don't have any jobs.

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.

You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan's actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get.

The cool thing about the Reagan Library is that they have Reagan's Air Force One plane parked inside. That's about as close to Air Force One as any of them are going to get.

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.

Michele Bachmann said she could get us back to $2 gas. Please. The only place we’ll ever see that again is at Taco Bell.

Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, "Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no ponzi...

Earlier this evening President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So what we had tonight was a guy whose job nobody approves of, giving a speech about jobs that don't exist, to people who don't have any jobs. So it's a real positive, uplifting...

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'

President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation.

The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand.

The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama.

Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don't think it will be a big speech.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there.

Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman.

For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend.

New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?

Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That's what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests.

The White House agreed to move President Obama's speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.

Obama caved again when 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' called and said, 'Our show is on at that time.'

Dick Cheney's book is an inside look at what it's like to be president — uh, vice president.

A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!









From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.

Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All of a sudden, I'm feeling OK about Borders going out of business.

The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.

I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.

Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I've seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down. Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears.

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.

A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.

President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.

I don't get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn't it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of 'Sanford and Son?'

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'

President Obama's approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there's a silver lining.

In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don't like you three times a week?

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?






From Craig Ferguson:

Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he's still in power, and just 'temporarily' going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is 'temporarily' closing its doors.

President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.

Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it's important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they're the ones that have all of our jobs.

The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don't mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. 'I really like an open-toed espadrille.


Anderson Cooper is on CNN, “60 Minutes” and now daytime TV. He’s like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson’s a serious journalist. He's been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and 'The View.'

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson 'Tonight Show' when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now.

People are saying Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.







From Jimmy Fallon:

During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote - 'in a New York state of mind.' Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ''Movin' Out.'

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.

Last night in the Rose Garden, President Obama had a beer with a Medal of Honor winner. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden had a beer with a 'World of Warcraft' winner.

Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together in a restaurant in Arizona. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen. Then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.

On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life's work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer.

During the Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America's dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, 'Trust me.'

The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.

A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …"

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'

House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, 'In fact, I'll do it right now. OK, I hate it.

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.

Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama's jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there's already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.

President Obama's $447-billion spending plan is called the American Jobs Act. It would have had a cooler name, but the name guy was laid off six months ago.

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, 'You've got to be kidding me!'

A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.

President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you're looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the 'Mac n' Cheese Big Daddy Patty' from Denny's.








From Jon Stewart:

That's how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, 'Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.' – Jon Stewart, on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

That custom-tailored Obama scandal you ordered is finally here. Solyndra, which received $535 million in federal loan guarantees, has gone bankrupt. … Does the failure of one company discredit the idea of an entire green energy economy? Of course not. But, if in, say, 1936 you spoke about the growing importance of air travel in front of the...Hindenberg, you'd be right about the future of air travel, but you'd still be on f**king fire.

Fox News, call your doctor, because the erection you now have is going to last much longer than 4 hours.


The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross's vagina. Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick.

You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans.









From Stephen Colbert:

Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory.

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.






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