13 November 2011

Late Nite Jokes: Funny Herman Cain Sexual Hysteria

From Denny:  For weeks now, GOP candidate, Herman Cain, has treated the American public to the skeletons in his closet.

Surely, he realized he would end up as joke fodder for the comedians on every late night talk show.  What was he thinking to run for president and believe he could emerge unscathed?

Cain tries to bob and weave around the obvious issues - of now four very public accusers - like Rick Perry drunk in a political debate.  It just isn't selling.  In fact, the latest poll numbers are out that reflect GOP voters' dissatisfaction with - and hesitance - to now vote for Cain.

And, just in case, Herman Cain, doesn't see The Big Picture, our national comedians are delighted to drive home that very sharp point:  "Get outta the race, bud, 'cause you are cooked."

Be sure to check out the hilarious video clip below of Jon Stewart wearing out the inconsistencies and inadequacies of Herman Cain.

From Jay Leno:

As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for.

At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…

Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt.

Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics.

If the earth was visited by aliens, this could be a huge problem for the Republican party. I mean, Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box.

Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party.

One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was.

Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?

More problems for front runner Herman Cain; now a third woman has come forward and accused him of sexual harassment. Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize.

Turns out 999 was just his rating system: she's a 9, she's a 9, she's a 9.

Of course, Cain still doesn't get it. Like he said he will address all these charges at a press conference tomorrow at Hooters.

Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan.

At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face...her ass he kind of remembers.

Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That's what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt. 'It ain't gonna happen!

From David Letterman:

It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.

Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Herman Cain Pick-Up Lines"

10. "You're like a Godfather's pizza: a little doughy, but still hot"

9. "My name's Herman and I'll get you squirmin'"

8. "May I stuff your crust?"

7. "You put the 'ass' in National Restaurant Association"

6. "Can I buy you a glass of whatever Rick Perry is drinking?"

5. "Would you describe yourself as the litigious type?"

4. (Video: Newt Gingrich having sex with a vending machine)

3. "Baby, you're worth the forty grand in hush money"

2. "You don't know Gloria Allred, do you?"

1. "My tax plan is 9-9-9, but you're a 10-10-10"

You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

Forget president — this guy could be premier of Italy.

All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2.

Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'

When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee.

If this guy is not elected president, he could always work at airport security.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It"

10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

9. Now smokes more than his campaign manager

8. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

7. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache

6. Claims Justin Bieber is his father

5. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

4. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

3. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

2. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry

1. He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

10. Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads

9. It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named 'Herman'

8. While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby

7. New campaign slogan 'Mayday!'

6. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts

5. He trails Gadhafi's corpse in the polls

4. Refuses to acknowledge the road to the White House goes through me, Dave

3. He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy

2. Just accepted million-dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy

1. There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be president

From Stephen Colbert:

‎The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain - like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt.

Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.

Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?

The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year.

A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.

We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back.

From Conan O'Brien:

It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.

Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, 'Nein! Nein! Nein!'

From Craig Ferguson:

Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.

From Jon Stewart:

As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the Schnook of Mormon

In Herman Cain's defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive.

A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he'd ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: 'Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not.'

Oh, the Hermanity!

Herman Cain swiftly moves to political sex scandal stage four: the press conference to assuage the damage caused by the mishandling of stages one through three.

From Bill Maher:

I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement.

Some Godfather’s Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to hold the sausage. –Bill Maher on the sexual harassment accusations against Herman Cain

*** Check out this post over at my humor blog:  37 Funny 2012 Election GOP Photos

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