Roundup of Late Night Funnies 2 Nov 2009

From 2 of my favorite cartoonists in Denmark, giving new meaning to the phrase "bombs away"

From Denny: Here's some of the latest past few days from those crazy late night show guys, lampooning politics and politicians - and a couple of cartoon left-overs from the weekend postings of editorial cartoons...







"Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be good. It's going to be great because on the one hand you have a powerful, well respected icon, American woman who could be president. And on the other hand you have Sarah." – David Letterman

"And then John McCain will make an appearance live via satellite. That is, if he can find somebody to turn on the damn thing." – David Letterman



"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

"I bet you you go to Dick Cheney's house, trick-or-treating he is one of those guys that tells you you are going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out." –David Letterman

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." – Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." – Conan O'Brien



Dick Cheney on Halloween, showing his true colors, dressed as himself.

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" – Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" – Conan O'Brien

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." – Jimmy Fallon

"By gosh, the World Series starts tonight. You know who is going to be at the game tonight, at Yankee Stadium? Michelle Obama and Jill Biden. Wife of the President, wife of the Vice President. And they will be sitting right next to the two sleeping Northwest pilots." – David Letterman

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." – Jimmy Fallon

"The White House welcomed students to the South Lawn for the fall harvest of the White House garden. They're saying a hoe hasn't gotten that much action at the White House since the Clinton administration." – Jimmy Fallon

"You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." – Jon Stewart

Here's a funny clip:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Public Option Limited
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

If this clip does not show correctly, here's the link: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-october-28-2009/public-option-limited

I usually support my fellow women in politics, regardless of political party, rarely ever comment on their mistakes but there is just something so very wrong about Palin: like this weird mindlessness along with a complete lack of reading comprehension that makes her a poster child symbol of how stupid women are perceived culturally in general. So... and for one of the most brilliant statements ever made by a politician who can't add, substract or understand the interviewer's question in the first place:



"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" – Jimmy Fallon

*** Thanks for coming by for a good laugh to get your work week started off right!

*** For more laughs, I park goodies over at 2 other blogs: Dennys Funny Quotes and Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd.

*** 10 Outrageous Glenn Beck Quotes That Prove Insanity

*** 5 Monday Morning Posts to Get You Laughing!

Politics: FINALLY! House Votes to Restrict Wall Street Bonuses

CEO Looking a Little Nervous...? WASHINGTON - DECEMBER 9: Former Freddie Mac CEO Richard Syron (L) adjusts his tie while testifying with former Fannie Mae CEO Daniel Mudd (R), and fromer Fannie Mae CEO Harold Raines (C) before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee during a hearing on "The Role of Fannie and Freddie Mac in the Financial Crisis" on Capitol Hill December 9, 2008 in Washington, DC. The hearing focused on the financial collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, their takeover by the federal government, and their role in the ongoing financial crisis.Image by Getty Images via Daylife

From Denny: This just in from the Friday afternoon news cycle... Congress knows the public is seriously ticked off about the greed on Wall Street. They took advantage of us from the TARP money that was supposed to keep them afloat and the economy from tanking as the conventional wisdom went. When I first heard of it when Bush was on his way out of office I knew it was the Republican's last parting shot of "screw over the public" yet one more time "because we can." So, they did.

All they did with the TARP money was bonus themselves and continue greedy unwise short-term vision business as usual. Big business is now feeing their customers into the poor house as a result of feeling free enough to play with taxpayer money. The big banks, even Royal Bank of Scotland who got money from two countries - United States AND United Kingdom - decided to use their bail-out money to enhance their profit bottom line for the quarter. They even publicly said they saw no reason to start lending out the money to the public they were given for that express purpose.

What was voted upon and passed in the House by a 235 - 135 margin just minutes ago was a measure to prohibit pay and bonus packages that encourage big risks by bankers and traders, the kind of risks that can take down the economy like a house of cheap cards.

Just yesterday these big banks have bonused over $1 million to over 5,000 employees with the public money of billions. Voters are outraged. Europe and other investors outside America have called for this kind of reform for decades. They thought it was unbridled greed a long time ago and advised Bush and Cheney to do something about it. Of course, Bush and Cheney foolishly refused. What did you expect? You put two greedy American former CEO's - Bush who had bankrupted no less than eight companies - in charge of the candy store with a country's treasury and you think they would not go wild? Come on. They now had something to trade for big bucks to keep them in power: public funds.

Get this: even though House Republicans are fully aware of voter outrage, they still chose to dance to their lobbyist masters and vote AGAINST the measure. Unbelievable. Their sorry excuse of a claim? They weakly offered up, "Severe restrictions should apply only to banks that accept government aid."

So just what is the legislation banning in regard to risky compensation? This will apply to any firm with $1 billion in assests. That would include bank holding companies, broker-dealers, credit unions, investment advisors, and mortgage buyers Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Prospects in the Senate are uncertain for this bill. You might want to start haranguing your Senators into voting for this bill now. The Senate Banking Committee is expected to take up this bill in the coming weeks after recess. It will be part of broader bill overhauling financial regulations.

What suggestions did President Obama ask to be included in this bill?

* shareholders get a nonbinding vote on compensation packages.

* prohibit members of compensation committees from having financial ties to the company and its executives (you know like Bush and Cheney did to Haliburton and others)

Finally, Congress is bowing to public pressure to deal with corporate greed. This is a good first step. The Senate had better get on board and sail this measure right on through or there will be a rush to "throw the bums out" come election time, and, these are the midterm elections coming up this November. Use your vote wisely.




Royal Bank of Scotland, big business, Wall Street, Republican Party, Dick Cheney, United States, Bank, Troubled Asset Relief Program, Business, Fannie Mae, Barack Obama, Freddie Mac, politics, big business

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Biden Licks the Plates

From Denny: Here's the latest on the late night show funnies, enjoy!

Photo by Tansan @ flickr

The Late Show With David Letterman

David Letterman: [Former Vice President Dick Cheney's] speech went over pretty well. I mean, Cheney was interrupted five times by applause and 50 times by people screaming, "Stop! I'll tell you everything! What do you want to know?"

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon: Michelle Obama's on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with a Barack and the kids every night, and then -- oh, it's so cute -- Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates.

The Colbert Report

David Letterman: The C.I.A. fired back, saying, "It is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress." It's true. Sometimes they just get lucky.

Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: [President Obama] opened with some familiar rhetoric.

President Obama: Keeping American people safe, it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Former President Bush: I wake up every day thinking about how I can best protect America.

Obama: You can't count on a surrender ceremony.

Bush: There will be no surrender ceremony.

Obama: To disrupt, dismantle, defeat al Qaeda.

Bush: To disrupt and destroy terrorists.

Stewart: I love it when he does all the Bush covers.


Joe Biden, Jimmy Fallon, Dick Cheney, Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Michelle Obama, George W. Bush, Barack Obama

Cheeky Quote Day! 24 June 2009

The new President Obama and First Lady Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: Considering how much political heat President Obama is taking from the Republicans, one after another taking potshots and getting shouted down from the public, they have to go hide from view for a while. It’s as if there is this batting line-up like during baseball season. This political season with the first black President ever in the Oval Office the Republican line-up is the following: Cheney, Gingrich, Bush, Limbaugh, and Graham. Every one of these guys wants to be President so badly they can taste it; they do not want to give up the power they used to possess.

During the presidential campaign the Republican smear machine was quite busy making up more lies than the National Inquirer: his daddy wasn't his real daddy, he wasn't black enough or white enough, he had the name of a terrorist, he was a practicing Muslim, that he wasn't as experienced as McCain on the economy (McCain publicly admitted he didn't know or care anything about the economy during his entire time in Washington) and much more.

Humorous political quotes from the presidential campaign trail often take on an eerie quality once one of the combatants gets elected. It’s no different with President Obama’s quotes when he was battling McCain. It is McCain who is still battling Obama trying to wrestle power away from him with some of the most ridiculous and reckless accusations. Let’s take a trip down memory lane of the 2008 campaign trail to see how Obama responded to the world of the Republican ridiculous. McCain didn’t say anything substantive then just like now. It appears that Obama still has his sense of humor...

President Obama Quotes from the 2008 Campaign Trail

"Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich." – responding to John McCain's attacks, Raleigh, North Carolina, Oct. 29, 2008

On his image: "Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome." - @ the Al Smith Dinner

"Yesterday, John McCain actually said that if he's president that he'll take on, and I quote, 'the old boys network in Washington.' Now I'm not making this up. This is somebody who's been in Congress for twenty-six years, who put seven of the most powerful Washington lobbyists in charge of his campaign. And now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna' to take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come, on!"

"Sen. McCain bragged about how as chairman of the Commerce Committee in the Senate, he had oversight of every part of the economy. Well, all I can say to Sen. McCain is, 'Nice job. Nice job.' Where is he getting these lines? The lobbyists running his campaign? ... I'm not making this up, you can't make this up. It's like a 'Saturday Night Live' routine."

"I mean, you know, as somebody who used to be on the cover of Time and Newsweek, you know. Those were the days." - musing with David Letterman about the Sarah Palin phenomenon.

"I've been called worse on the basketball court." - on attacks against him at the Republican Convention.

"That's what he talked about yesterday, 'I want to drill here. I want to drill now.' I don't know where he was standing. I think he was in a building somewhere." - on John McCain's energy plan.

"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." - posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed.

"They say I need to be seasoned; they say I need to be stewed. They say, 'We need to boil all the hope out of him -- like us -- and then he'll be ready.'" To watch the video, go here.

"But the truth is when you really get to know Rahm, he does have a softer side, Amy will attest to this; very few people know, I think, know prior to this evening that he studied Ballet for a few years. In fact, he was the first to adopt Machiavelli's the prince for dance. It was an intriguing piece, as you can imagine, there were a lot of kicks below the waist." -roasting his future chief of staff Rahm Emaneul in 2005. To watch the video, go here.

"Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point." To watch the video clip, go here.

"It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you." – to Jon Stewart.

"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins.

"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon."

"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother." - on whether Bill Clinton was "our first black president."

The following quotes are from Barack Obama's speech at the 2005 Gridiron dinner:

"It's like I was shot out of a cannon. I'm so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse."

On the controversial Ukraine election: "Well, President Bush said he wanted to export American-style democracy and, by God, I think its working."

"(The pundits) said you can't win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera."

"It's been a great ride. But I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean."

"I figure there's nowhere to go from here but down. So tonight, I'm announcing my retirement from the United States Senate."

Obama also held up a mock-up of a supermarket tabloid proclaiming, "Obama's Shocking Secret: He's Strom Thurmond's Love Child."

On excitement in his father's native Kenya that his election would mean the building of billions of dollars in new roads, bridges, hospitals, and schools in their country: "I've tried to explain how it works these days. First comes the invasion and then billions in aid."

Cheeky Quote Day! 3 June 2009

From Denny: Can you believe it’s already June? How time flies by faster than a political campaign!

About.com and their political humor section have compiled quite a number of funnies from the past couple of years’ political seasons. Some of them were mildly funny but sad too, both Republican and Democrat, so I did not include them. Those speak more to family issues like for the Craig, Palin, Edwards families. There were other quotes just honestly misspoken because of campaign fatigue.

I was looking for more of the outlandish because of word choice and ridiculous because of the mental process of coming to that decision, daring to actually speak it out loud. If you want to know more just go to their page and you can view the sources of where they pulled all these quotes, some are videos. Enjoy the read - and amusing trip down memory lane!

Quotes compiled by Daniel Kurtzman @ About.com:

"If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous." - New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention 2008

"At a time of great crisis with mortgage foreclosures and autos, he says we only have one president at a time. I'm afraid that overstates the number of presidents we have. He's got to remedy that situation." - Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), calling on President-elect Obama to play a more significant role on economic issues

"If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf." - Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand

"Now he tells us that he's the one who's gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that's called a staff meeting. Come on!" - Barack Obama, about John McCain

"I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.'' - John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." — President George W. Bush, in an interview with the Jerusalem Post, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

5 Presidents Image by BL1961 via Flickr

"When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room." — Republican candidate Mick Huckabee, interview on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Jan. 16, 2008

"So?" — Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008

"So what?" – President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." – President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (2007)

"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." - John McCain, after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (2007)

"You can always tell when the Republicans are getting restless, because the Vice President's motorcade pulls into the Capitol, and Darth Vader emerges." – Hillary Clinton about VP Cheney in 2007

"I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently." - Dick Cheney (2007 – this guy thrives on negative attention)

"This morning I was with the vice president. I was asking him what costume he was planning. And he said 'I'm already wearing it.' Then he mumbled something about 'the dark side of the Force." – George W. Bush, on Halloween 2007

"A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my Vice President had shot someone. Ahhh, those were the good old days." – George W. Bush, at the 2007 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner

"You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 -- 1976." - to Queen Elizabeth, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2007

When Bush was first in office this is just one of the many outrageous things he said:

"Do you have blacks, too?" - to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001


Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies: Her Time Has Come at Last, Deport Lou Dobbs!

A roundup of the best in late night comedy shows.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: If confirmed, [Sonia Sotomayor] would be the country's first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business, deporting Lou Dobbs (CNN's conservative news anchor).

Real Time

Bill Mahr: Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court, "Reverse Racist." She's a racist and someone has to stop her because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women.

Late Night

Jimmy Fallon: Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers.
The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: Last night at a fund-raiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. $30,000. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.

Late Show

David Letterman: Don't forget to check out Dick Cheney's Netflix picks of the week. Dick recommends: "Casino Royale," "Marathon Man," and "Lethal Weapon.

Photo by Tansan @ flickr

Video: How Saudis Are Rehabilitating Former Guantanamo Prisioners

"David Martin talks about his upcoming 60 Minutes report on Saudi Arabia's efforts to rehabilitate former Guantanamo prisoners and former jihadists."

From Denny: This is something everyone in America has been wondering about in the back of their minds. Just how do we clean up the Bush and Cheney years' HUGE global messes?

The Republicans held far too many political prisoners like some brutal cavalier dictatorship third-world government. Now most of those men are, well, for lack of a better word: insane. Waterboarded 185 times on one guy alone and still no usable information should tell you two things: one, that torture isn't working, and, two, that man as your prisoner has already lost his mind and isn't about to find it any time soon.

The question on everyones' minds is: What do you do with a large insane population that were driven insane first from propaganda in their own country and then by torture when captured by their enemies? Any way you look at it they are weak minds, and, therefore, also unstable and unpredictable in the long term.

This 60 Minutes segment begins to address that question and discuss what the Saudis are trying to do to help those men regain a sound mind.


Watch CBS Videos Online

Related articles by Zemanta

• Obama says waterboarding was torture (huffingtonpost.com)