From Denny: When I ran into a news story from The Monitor, Recession humor enjoys global boom, I went in search of interesting jokes and humor for today's segment of the Cheeky Quote Day. Hoping it was going to be one fun romp through some funny one-liner jokes, instead it was like cold water slapping me in the face.
Little did I know that I would be strongly reminded of just how long we Americans have been dealing with a chaotic economy, lying politicians, crafty lobbyists and sledgehammering Big Business tactics. It's almost been a decade now. Many of these jokes are being recycled today because they are still true! Even the cartoons span the decade from 2000 to 2009. Unbelievable.
Take a look for yourself to see it's proof positive this recession has been going on since Bush stole the Oval Office the first time: 2001. "The more things change the more they remain the same." It's no wonder Americans hunger for change and are spitting angry they feel cheated by their politicians. All the politicians had better get smart and start moving forward with President Obama or things could really get ugly in the fall election cycle.
One thing is for sure, there are a lot of fantastic cartoons we all might have missed over the years and are here today to amuse and entertain you!
From Jay Leno:
Some good news for the economy. President Bush went on a month-long vacation.
The federal government announced today that the recession ended back in November of 2001. It ended two years ago! Be sure to pass that on to all your unemployed friends. So you know what that means? The past twenty months of job layoffs, corporate bankruptcies and declining stocks, those were the good times. We should have been living it up.
According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan.
Did you hear about this today, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill and top economic advisor Larry Lindsey have resigned, they resigned from the White House economic team? Shocked everybody in Washington, who knew Bush had a White House economic team? ... You know things are bad when Republicans are losing jobs in Washington.
Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neal has resigned. He didn't want to resign, but there wasn't any money left in the treasury so he's got nothing to do.
The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn't be any worse than it is right now.
How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community. — Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
President Bush said today that it is our job to vote. That's what he called it, a job. And considering how the way economy is going, that may be the only job we have.
The same week the Bush administration slashed pay raises for all federal workers, they announced they are going to provide bonuses to political appointees who do a good job. You know, that guy who cut everyone else's pay, he gets the bonus.
The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low — in other words, Bush is back on the job.
President Bush hosted something called the President's Economic Forum down in Waco, Texas today. Waco. Apparently Jonestown and Guyana were booked up. When I think of government policy that works, Waco is the place to go. He invited members of small business to the summit. He was going to invite big business, but they're all in jail.
Bush told the attendees (at his economic forum) that he wants to simplify the numbers on Wall Street so that people can understand what they are looking at. Simplify the numbers? We are already looking at single digits!
In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months.
There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is now planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq. And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed.
President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He's taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing.
Boy, another bad day on Wall Street. Things are getting ugly. Dow Jones is starting to look more like Paula Jones.
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
Things do not look good. The economy's gone south, we're at war, people are out of work. In fact, George Bush Sr. picked up the newspaper and thought, 'Hey, I must still be president.'
From Conan O'Brien:
Yesterday Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan said, 'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'
The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80's.
From Craig Kilborn:
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
President Bush's economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers.
From Jon Stewart:
I'm watching TV today and it's nothing but 'We're going to war. Imminent war. Blah, blah blah.' But I'm watching the TV and I see that the stock market has gone up 300 points! How is that possible? The economy has been in the pooper for a year and a half. 'Oh, maybe we'll try lowering interest rates, maybe we'll try lowering prices, maybe we'll give a dividend tax cut'. This is what they've been waiting for? 'Oh, we're going to war? I'm in!' Is the head of the Dow Jones Yosemite Sam?
The big story here tonight comes from Washington, D.C. where President Bush announced his new economic plans. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividends tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.
From Tiny Fey:
President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes, the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications. on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
From David Letterman:
Al Gore says President Bush's economic plan has zero chance of working. Now, this raises on important question: Bush has an economic plan?
Of course, American humorists started these economy jokes as far back as the 1930's during the Great Depression:
How bad is the economy, really?
The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.
It's so bad, Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.
The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.
The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial-up.
The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.
The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!
The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.
The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.
The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.
The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!
The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!
The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon - all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.
The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.
The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
The economy is so bad that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
It's so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.
The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.
The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."
The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.
It's so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.
The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.
It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.
Economic Meltdown humor:
What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.
With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
Start off with a large one.
How many stock brokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to remove the light bulb and drop it – and the other to sell it before it crashes.
What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can still feed a family of four.
Why are all MBAs going back to school?
To ask for their money back.
*** For more humor: Recession Humor: Termination Letter to Employees
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