From Denny: Awww, come on, you just knew it had to be coming, a Halloween version of Cheeky Quotes - and jokes! I was surprised that there really are not that many funny quotes to be had on the quotations market. But I did find the funny story or two and what would the Halloween season be without a good ghost story?!
Don't Drive and Drive!
Quotes
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you." - Rita Rudner
Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. - Steve Almond
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Charles Swartz
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen. - Anonymous
I told you not to eat so much candy...
There is nothing funny about halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. - Jean Baudrillard
Being in a band you can wear whatever you want - it's like an excuse for halloween everyday. - Gwen Stefani
If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. - Doug Coupland
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield, comedian
Beware of Danger Kitty!
A few old Halloween poems:
The witches fly
Across the sky,
The owls go, "Who? Who? Who?"
The black cats yowl
And green ghosts howl,
"Scary Halloween to you!" - Nina Willis Walter
One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place. - Emily Dickinson
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. - Shakespeare, Macbeth
Men say that in this midnight hour,
The disembodied have power
To wander as it liketh them,
By wizard oak and fairy stream - William Motherwell
At first cock-crow the ghosts must go
Back to their quiet graves below. - Theodosia Garrison
Funny Halloween Story
True Australian Halloween Ghost Story
This story happened a few years ago on 31st October in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce. There's the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."
Fishing for Quotes
More Funny Quotes
I see my face in the mirror and go, I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me? - Drew Carey, American Comedian
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. - Erma Bombeck
Eat, drink and be scary. – Anonymous
There is nothing that gives more assurance than a mask. - Colette
Acting is like a Halloween mask that you put on. - River Phoenix
This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. - Conan O'Brien
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. - David Russell
Doggies trick or treating as a ghostly choir
Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story. - Mason Cooley
Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. - Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls
Last year was the first time I actually participated in Halloween. I dressed up as a pimp, and my sister was my bitch. We had to walk down Sunset Boulevard because we couldn't get a ride to the party, and everyone was sticking their heads out of their cars and yelling at us. It was great. - Christina Applegate.
It is kinda fun to put up a photo with the wrong sizing to make it look more scary... :)
Funny Halloween Story
Trip to the Grocery Store
We had travelled to New England during the Halloween season to soak up some of the local spooky culture in Massachusetts. I was waiting for my wife at the cashier’s station of the grocery store and I noticed that someone had left behind their broom.
When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting ready to leave and hurried over.
“Excuse me,” I said to the young woman, “but did you by any chance leave your broom inside the grocery store?”
“No,” she quickly replied with a sly smile, “We came by truck this time.”
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*** To view the funny Halloween cartoon animation over at Dennys Funny Quotes, go here.
Thanks for visiting, everyone! Have a great week!